looking through a fool’s eyes

the long-time-no-post post

2011-01-24T21:33:00.004-06:00

My last post was almost two years ago. That seems a little crazy. Facebook, what have you done to me?

Let's see, my last post was about this awesome, amazing, wonderful job that had just landed in my lap. And it was, until it wasn't.

On to better news. Kcprogrammer and I got married and bought a house and adopted two cats and have made a nice little life for ourselves. Overall, life is good, and maybe that's why I don't post anymore. This blog was created out of my frustration, at a time when I felt very stuck in my job and in my life.

The only time in the last two years that I seriously began to think about picking it back up again was when I was laid off. But, even then, I was so busy finding a new job that I never had time to wax on in blog posts about how devastating the experience of being laid off and being unemployed truly is. Part of me wishes that I had capture my thoughts and feelings during such a tumultuous time. And part of me is glad that I didn't allow myself the time to dwell on my situation.

So, this could possibly be my last post ever -- or maybe not. I just know that I don't want there to be a chance of this blog's last post to about a job. I'm learning -- slowly learning -- that I am more than my job title. So, who am I? I'm creative. I'm loving. I'm caring. I'm strong. Most important, I'm content.

i got lucky

2009-03-07T16:13:00.002-06:00

I got a new job, at a time when many others -- including many at my old company -- are loosing theirs.

I'd become stressed, frazzled and stuck. It was time to move forward, but I saw no satisfactory path before me.

And then, at the very moment I felt the situation around me at work falling apart, I got a phone call. It was from a big company with its headquarters downtown. They were looking for a web editor and had found my resume online. The next week included two interviews with them, as well as one at my current job. The following Monday came more news on how my department would be reorganized and amazingly, surprisingly a job offer from the downtown company.

I've been at my new job two weeks now, and I'm still adjusting. I'm adjusting to the commute downtown, new surrounding, frequent meetings, getting recognition for my work, the natural light that streams in through the windows next to my desk, not knowing how things work, having a paycheck that allows me to buy a new pair of shoes (or four), having job security, being away from the familiar, a new industry and being happy.

This last one surprised me the most. I had not realized how unhappy and stressed I was. I had allowed my frustrations at work to bleed into all other aspects of my life. It had drained me. Now, I feel revived, and I see all the opportunities to connect with family and friends that I've been missing out on -- either because I was too drained to participate or because I couldn't get out of my funk to fully participate.

So, I'm here, I'm happy, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

what's awkward

2008-12-10T13:57:00.005-06:00

So, here's the story: I applied for a job on a magazine I respect with a head editor I'd be honored to work for. I was a top contender for the job, but they chose to go with someone else, someone outside of the company.

Today, I got an e-mail from one of the people I'd interviewed with. He let me know that the new person would be starting today and that he hoped I would welcome her and that he hoped that there would be any awkwardness.

I was offended at the suggestion at first. I'm a professional, and I understand the complexities that go into hiring someone.

Was I qualified for the position? Yes. Would I have been good in the position? Yes. Did they like me? Yes. Would it have been good for them to have selected an internal candidate rather than someone from the outside? Yes. But most important, do I trust them to hire the best person? Yes.

And it's this last point that's important. I would be insulted if they hired someone with less experience, which, for some reason that's beyond me is becoming a trend. On some staffs it is nearly impossible to get a promotion (like on mine). On other staffs, they've ignored the job hierarchy, and hire new graduates in at a level it took most of us several years in the field to reach. Now, there are a few magazines that actually hire the best fit and then promote the person as he or she grows in the position. It's this final type of publication I'm trying my damnedest to get on at.

OK, but back to the awkward. I know awkward when it comes to jobs and hiring.

When I was an intern at my first publishing company, the top two contenders for a full-time gig were myself and a fellow intern. I interviewed and then left to backpack around Europe. I got the job, and returned to find the other intern still working there. She did eventually find herself a job at another company, but, boy, was that awkward.

Later, I experienced the other side of awkward. I didn't think I was yet qualified for a higher position, so I hadn't applied for a job opening at my company. The person they hired was a former intern at the company who had much, much less experience than I. Another entry-level co-worker and I were dumbfounded. We'd worked hard for years at the same company and hadn't received the recognition for that work. Now that was awkward.

I soon left that company. Though, I can't say I've gotten much further. And I'm still watching other people get promoted and pass me. That is awkward.

Going and talking to my current boss about this fact is more than awkward, it's down-right scary. My boss is not known for being a friendly, nice guy. But I've been plodding along, going through the correct channels and biding my time for too long.

I can't avoid the awkwardness. In fact, part of the problem is that I've been avoiding the awkwardness that would come from trying--and then succeeding at--getting what I want.

Now, I'm off to do something very awkward. And, no, it's not introducing myself to the new girl. I've already done that, and she seems very nice.

lacking nourishment

2008-11-25T16:42:00.005-06:00

Last month, my boss yelled at me in staff meeting (so not my fault, but that is a different story). And my co-workers commiserated with me and were my allies.

Today, my boss can't stop singing my praises (and doing so a little too publicly). And my co-workers have never been more annoyed with my existence.

Work life sucks both ways.

A note to my co-workers: I'm just trying to get ahead, and so are you. I'd like for us all to do this together, and support each other. But we can't do that, can we? Instead of carving up the meal and eating together, we're fighting over the scraps and hoarding them away in our rat-hole cubicles, where they rot and mold. We smile prettily to each other and then talk dirty behind each others back and craft plots to steal what someone else possesses. When one of us starts to pull ahead we grab on to their heals and pull them back. (And I'm part of the scavenging, hoarding, rotting mess. I'm not clean . I'm not proud. I just want to call a truce and end this mess.)

I need a more wholesome diet. I'm getting sick here.

and i smile

2008-10-09T23:06:00.003-05:00

OK, to catch everyone up kcprogrammer and I are engaged. And everyone wants the story. Here goes:

Tuesday was the third anniversary of our first date. We had dinner at a wonderful little Italian restaurant in the French Quarter that had been recommended to us by a travel guide. After dinner, we went for a walk through Jackson Square and past the St. Louis Cathedral. And then we strolled out onto the levee. Then with the French Quarter on one side of us and the Mississippi River on the other, kcprogrammer said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That's when he got down on one knee.

Here I'll interject a little side note: I'd been waffling on the whole engagement ring issue, so I knew that he hadn't bought one, and therefore I did not expect the proposal. OK, now back to him being on bended knee: He asked me to marry him and presented me with a temporary ring that he'd made by folding a $20 bill. I was overcome with emotion--as well as being impressed by his inventiveness and apparent talent at folding paper money.

And I find it difficult to accurately relay the experience. There is a difference between being in the moment and then telling the story of the moment that happened. The story never does proper justice to the moment. But that's how it should be. Otherwise, why would we ever live in the moment when we could just live off of stories.

so close

2008-09-15T16:42:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I'm a better friend to people than at other times. Over the weekend, I was overly attentive in some areas and ghastly inattentive in others. It's always the latter that hangs over one's head.

staying relevant

2008-08-03T16:38:00.006-05:00

My mind is always filled with the next set of problems that I need to find solutions to. Then, once those are taken care of, I gather up new problems to replace them.

So, when people talk to me, I talk about what I'm thinking about, which is usually the problem that's taken over my thoughts. I really must be a downer of a person to talk to, always complaining, always troubled, always trying to figure out how to solve the problem du jour.

Lately, of course, the issue currently enveloping me is that I've very unhappy with my job. There is no future for me where I am. And I'm uncertain as to where I need to focus my efforts to make sure that I survive what I believe to be a massive restructuring of print media in the years to come.

And as I look at the future for my boss, my dad, my uncle—all long timers at their companies, all unsure as to whether their companies will recognize and honor their decades of service or kick them to the curb with few employment options for men nearing the age of retirement—I'm reminded that we are in a new employment age where no one is safe.

You are a cost center. Make sure you keep up your skills and abilities so you can prove you're a cost worth keeping. And try to horde some money away, because you do not have job security. How are you going to make sure you are relevant in your career when you are 55? It tires me just thinking about it.

leaving, again

2008-07-29T21:07:00.002-05:00

So I'm off early tomorrow morning for hot, hot Houston. My cousin is getting married, and I'm taking three days off of work to join in the festivities. (And considering the current foul mood my boss has been in, I'll be glad to be away.)

facing a new reality

2008-07-28T12:03:00.003-05:00

Life is change; I get that. The industry I work in is changing rapidly. Aspects of my personal life are changing even more rapidly.

There is a difference between knowing that change will happen and taking those changes head on.

After discussions that I've had recently, I realized that I am not equipped for the future of my profession. The ship I'm on is sinking, as are those around me. Before that happens, I need to get a life raft. Practicing my swimming wouldn't hurt either.

this is the week

2008-07-21T13:12:00.002-05:00

This could, quite possibly, be one of the most important, stress-filled weeks of my life.

There was a weekend of shopping and preparing. Thanks to Kat and AH for their assistance acquiring the last-minute essentials.

There is today's meeting. I woke up at 3am after having a series of very odd dreams involving my failure to make an important element for the meeting work. Thanks to my roomie for straightening my hair.

There is the cold that came to visit me last week and hasn't gotten the hint that it's time to move on to new pastures. Just when I'm needing to be my most professional, I'm stuck with a cold that invloves sniffling and sneezing.

There is the big banquet. Me present the awards? Ahh! Oh, right, I'm the one who assigned myself that task. Good going... I'm guessing more sleepless nights to come for me before this event. If it fails, it's all my fault. No pressure.

There is the two-day conference. I hope the sessions I'm helping to coordinate don't suck. I hope I can introduce a speaker without becoming a bumbling mess. I hope I can dig up some freelance work.

There is book club. Yay! A break from it all.

There is the freelance project due at week's end. I only need to find 10 hours of freetime and I'll be golden...

Oh and then there's the pesky little thing of my day job, and needing to get my to take care of five days of work in only two.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. (I hope repeating this works in real life like it did for The Little Engine That Could.)

going, going, gone to orlando

2008-06-29T20:16:00.002-05:00

I'm off to the great, hot land that is Orlando. My grandmother lived in Florida for many years, so the land of oranges and theme parks is old hat to me. And I was there last year. So why go back? Well, this time I'm going with kcprogrammer and his family. It will be the first time his mom and sisters have ever boarded a plane. It will be, I believe, their first family vacation. And I get to be part of it, and that, in my opinion, is what will truly make this trip a visit to the happiest place on earth.

what part of "no" don't i understand?

2008-05-28T21:41:00.003-05:00

In 2002, I was told I was great, but I was rejected.
In 2005, I was told I would have been perfect, but told I was too late.
In 2007, I was told I would be wonderful, but told I wasn't experienced.
In 2008, I was told I was impressive, but apparently, not the right fit.

All four rejections came from the same person.

In 2002, I was told it was a sure thing. It wasn't, and I was crushed.
In 2005, I missed my opportunity because my head was somewhere else.
In 2007, I was rejected early, but then the rejecter had to settle for less.
In 2008, I came in expecting little given the history, yet confident in my abilities.

My only thought: Her loss.

schrödinger's cat

2008-05-23T09:44:00.006-05:00

So last night on "The Big Bang Theory" Sheldon used the paradox of Schrödinger's cat to explain the current state of Penny and Leonard's relationship as being unobserved so therfore both alive and dead at the same time. Schrödinger developed this theory to illustrate a proble in quantum mechanics.

Here are the basics from WhatIs.com:

We place a living cat into a steel chamber, along with a device containing a vial of hydrocyanic acid. There is, in the chamber, a very small amount of a radioactive substance. If even a single atom of the substance decays during the test period, a relay mechanism will trip a hammer, which will, in turn, break the vial and kill the cat. The observer cannot know whether or not an atom of the substance has decayed, and consequently, cannot know whether the vial has been broken, the hydrocyanic acid released, and the cat killed. Since we cannot know, the cat is both dead and alive according to quantum law, in a superposition of states. It is only when we break open the box and learn the condition of the cat that the superposition is lost, and the cat becomes one or the other (dead or alive). This situation is sometimes called quantum indeterminacy or the observer's paradox: the observation or measurement itself affects an outcome, so that the outcome as such does not exist unless the measurement is made. (That is, there is no single outcome unless it is observed.)

So why am I going on about this? I think we all keep things closed up in boxes. As long as it's in the box, there is no outcome. Until we open the box, we have the safety of knowing that our dream might be alive. We also live with the stress and fear that it might be dead. But we hesitate to open the box. As long as the box stays closed, we don't have to confront the possiblility of death.

The don't act because I fear the result of my action will be failure instead of success. As long as I don't act, failure is kept at bay and success is still a possibility.

I don't ask because I fear the truth may be contrary to my desired answer. As long as I don't ask, my favorable outcome still exists as a possiblity--though it doesn't truly change the answer.

I have a life full of metaphorically boxed up cats. It's time to open up the boxes and see which ones are alive and scratching.

regarding this and that

2008-05-08T10:31:00.004-05:00

This week I found myself in a reflective mode for two conflicting purposes. On one hand, I was considering the trouble spots in my life, what I want to focus on changing. On the other hand, I was trying to highlight my best assets and accomplishments for someone whom I had not had contact with in several years.

The old me, the new me, the troubled me, the successful me, the sick me, the pessimist me, the hopeful me, the bad me, the good me, the up me, the down me, the friendly me, the cranky me, all came crashing together. The combined total is the me in progress.

I've been frustrated, down and a bit reclusive lately. I've been overworked and stressed out. And you'd think all of this introspection would only serve to magnify this. Refreshingly, the opposite has occurred.

I found out that my past might present a stumbling block for my future. And nothing about what was frustrating me or getting me down has changed. But woke up this morning and realize that I've changed. The control is out of my hands, so there is no point to worrying. I will take the opportunities that come and make the best of them and not waste my time fretting over how things could be if X, Y and Z happened or didn't happen or happened differently.

So the me in progress is currently thinking: That was then, and this is now. That resulted in this, but that is no more. This is what stands in its place, and this is good.

spring rain

2008-04-23T20:21:00.003-05:00

I walked out from work. I breathed in deeply, and thought, "It smells like spring." And, no, I'm not talking about my BO after a hard day's work. I'm talking about that other spring--that wonderful season that is bursting outside.

The ground was wet from and everything had that hyper-color that only seems to happen after a spring rain. The world around me is getting a fresh start, renewing life.

It happens every year. It's new, yet it's all the same. And that's life.

I take that back. Instead, it's all the same, yet it's new. Yeah, I like it that way better.

worker bee buzz

2008-04-09T21:38:00.000-05:00

I have homework to do, but I'm drained of creativity.
I have a trip to ready myself for, but my mind is too restless.
I have a life to live, and it's being derailed by frustration.

This was going to be a post about how amazing KU performed.
This was going to be a post that reflected on KU after Roy Williams.
Roy listening to the Rock Chalk Jayhawk that was not for him.
Roy at the championship game with a Jayhawk sticker on his chest.
I hope that fans have drank their last out of the hater-aide well.
And I hope Bill stays at KU. I love his balanced attitude toward the game.

I was going to be lively and witty in my post. But not now. Now I'm on to a new worry--well an old worry magnified.

See, it's no secret that I dislike working for corporate America.
It's no secret that I'm frustrated by how my industry is being managed by the guys in the suits.
Basically, they're looking to squeeze water out of a sponge before they even dunk it in the water bucket. Then they blame the sponge. There is nothing wrong with the sponge.

I'm underpaid and overworked. Tomorrow I get my annual review, and my boss knew the top item on my agenda was a long overdue promotion. And then today the top dog of the company passed down a degree--a hiring and pay freeze. I still get my annual review (gee, thanks) but no pay raise, and talk of a promotion is definitely off the table. But, oh yeah, I still get to work my ass off at this trade show next week.

It's so frustrating. A freeze like this means your good workers will either leave or be come poor workers due to burnout. That may save you money in the short term, but it must really be costly long term.

But according to my boss, it could be worse. They aren't laying anyone off, yet, at least. "At least we have our jobs," I was told. Comforting thought.

So, I'm looking for a new job. I wish I could just write on cover letters "I'm fabulous. Hire me and see for yourself." And I'm looking to take on more freelance work. One day I'm going to toss the suits and work solely for myself.

food fight

2008-03-03T18:18:00.005-06:00

Came across an interesting video. It's the history of war since WWII told with food.

Mr. Hassig and Mr. Smith, I really did pay attention in my History classes, but I think I need a refresher course. And maybe a few meals at less American-centric restaurants.

In case I fumbled up embedding the video link, here's the website: http://tv.boingboing.net.

tummy troubles, again

2008-02-19T05:34:00.003-06:00

So I'm up when I should be sleeping. Darn this stomach of mine. Acid reflux, intestinal gas, food poisoning, diarrhea, whatever, I just want whatever this is to go away. Leave me along. Stop messing up my sleep at nights. Stop costing me an arm and a leg at the pharmacy. Please, stop, now. I'm tired.

don't drop the soap!

2008-01-29T13:32:00.000-06:00

So last night Kathleen Sebelius gave a good speech--though sadly lacked any sort of emotion--in response to Pres. Bush's State of the Union address. I read in the Star that some were considering her as a possible presidential running mate because of her bipartisan skills.

The more interesting story, though, involves her 23-year-old son, who's turned a school project into a product to sell. It's a board game called "Don't Drop the Soap." Familiar with that sage advise for prison inmates? Well prison is setting for this board game. You can even use a bag of coke as your game piece to move around the board.

Here's the description from the site:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse's desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

Read the article in the KC Star here.

See the kid's website here.

in the tickle booth

2008-01-24T15:12:00.000-06:00

TickleBooth has rounded up the Oscar-nominated animated shorts for our viewing pleasure: http://ticklebooth.com/2008/01/watch-the-oscar-nominated-animated-shorts-online-2/#comment-61797.

I haven't had time to watch any of them yet, but they look cool.

i don't do sales

2008-01-22T12:32:00.000-06:00

I'm looking for a new job. If it involves me trying to coerce someone else to buy something, I don't want it. But what else is out there?

For those wondering, I don't hate my job. I just need a job with the potenial for more pay and better benefits. My roomie is leaving for wifehood in eight months, and then the apartment and all the bills will be 100 percent mine.

cold work

2007-12-26T08:42:00.000-06:00

Day after Christmas.
Work is quiet.
Work is boring.
Work is freaking cold.
I guess the minion in charge of the thermostat has the day off...

i've been poisoned

2007-12-04T13:51:00.001-06:00

Turns out what I thought was the return of my acid reflux is food poisoning. The probable culprit as determined by my doctor: Something I ate or drank while in Japan. I like to blame the chicken I ate the day after I came home.

Either way, I've been food poisoned for over a month now.

Started new meds yesterday. Keep your fingers crossed...

a little schadenfreude

2007-11-26T13:53:00.000-06:00

A long time ago at a place far, far away, the woman I worked for determined I wasn't a good fit for her team, and she said things that made me think I was horrible at my job, and worse, that I was an all-around failure as a person.

As time passed, I realized that the real issue had nothing to do with my abilities--which are pretty darn good--or with me as a person. I didn't fit her mold. She couldn't control me. I wouldn't be her drone. So she pushed me out. It was as simple as that. Still, the period was a painful one in my life.

Then today I heard a story of this woman trying similar tactics on a good friend of mine. I was surprised. Why try to push out someone who is so talented?

Then the little bit of schadenfreude kicked in. I feel bad my friend went through this, but it gave me a twinge of happiness, too. While I don't doubt that others believed me that the situation was bad, I doubt that they fully believed me that what was said to me was really as bad as I reported. So having another person report being dragged through a similar experience provides me with a bit of vindication.

A job is a job. A life is a life. I may not love my job, but can I still love my life?

healthcare companies hurt us and themselves

2007-11-19T11:49:00.000-06:00

I just don't get it. I see where being corner-cutting assholes keeps the money on the side of the insurance companies. But sometimes that Scrooge behavior costs them too.

Deny coverage and some, like me, will foot the bill for that service or prescription. Some, though won't pay, and then come knocking at insurance's door when the problem worsens or beget new issues.

Our healthcare must make the shift to recognizing the health and cost savings of preventive care. I just wish insurance companies would do more than just pay lip service to this idea. If they did, they might find themselves saving money in the end, with fewer costly surgeries.

day two is good up

2007-11-12T21:34:00.001-06:00

Pink hat
Originally uploaded by theCallowQueen.

On day two of our Japan Adventure, we hit the fish market and hit some museums with some nice walks through parks. Oh, and I saw my first Native American band playing in Japan (it would not be my last during our trip).

I'm in the system

2007-11-01T14:11:00.000-05:00

So I had KU send the art institute my transcripts when I enrolled there.

My account number on the bill was my old student ID number.

I wanted to pay my bill online, so I had to get an online ID. They offered up springs, my old email address. And then asked me for my current email address, and said anything sent to my old KU address would now be forwarded on to that email.

My old KU email address couldn't possibly still work, could it? I thought I had to give money to the school and get an alumni email address.

The test: I went into Facebook and clicked to sign up for the Kansas network. I put in my old KU email addy and then went to my current address to see if the request would be forwarded.

It worked!

This is trivial, I know. I have no need for the additional email address. But my workday was pretty bland.

But maybe I should be creeped out by the fact that KU has kept all this information on me...

Trip pictures up on Flickr

2007-10-28T14:35:00.001-05:00

Golden fish
Originally uploaded by theCallowQueen.

Day 1 of my trip to Japan is up on Flickr. Enjoy!

i have returned

2007-10-24T08:21:00.000-05:00

The trip was good. Spending the trip with countingpigs was good. Getting to see 42destune was good.

Being home is good. Being back to work is tolerable.

I took about a thousand pictures. I'll let you know when I've posted them on Flickr.

In not good news, the G-man's car was stolen out of our parking lot night before last. It was parked in the slot right beneath my bedroom window. Troubling.

i have arrived

2007-10-10T21:25:00.000-05:00

I feel a little overwhlemed. Things are more foreign here to me than anywhere else I've ever been.

I felt accomplished leaving the airport and changing traings, but then I got lost on foot. The addresses are done much differently here. And figuring out exactly where one is at is a complicated task when street sings are lacking. A very nice woman on her way home from work helped me along my way. And now I'm here, I'm safe, and I'm very tired.

I hope countingpigs arrives soon; then I can go to bed.

in a fog

2007-09-19T08:01:00.000-05:00

It was hazy out this morning on my drive to work. I was running late leaving for work. Please, campus security, say you found my laptop. I left my computer in the classroom last night. I couldn't think clearly all evening. I was grateful we were covering a topic I already knew about. I was tired after I got home from work. I got caught in the rain on my bike. I was worried that it might rain.

i want to ride my bicycle

2007-09-18T09:46:00.000-05:00

I rode my bicycle to work this morning. Now I just hope the rain stays away.

working question

2007-09-17T15:01:00.000-05:00

A question to all of you who know me: Do you think I've become a workaholic?

everybody's doing it

2007-09-13T11:28:00.000-05:00

We all get the feeling that everyone seems to be doing something that we're not, and then we get that feeling that we should be doing it too. Then "should" becomes a "want." Perhaps it is a valid want, but perhaps it's just herd think.

Everybody's getting married these days. Everybody's having babies. Everybody's buying houses. Maybe I should be too. And then: I want that too.

There's another side to this. The status of engaged, just married, pregnant, new parent, homeowner, or whatever wasn't even on your radar before you yourself reached the point of wanting it for yourself.

There are always going to be pregnant women walking around. This isn't new. They didn't just start popping out of the woodwork. You just didn't notice them before because you weren't thinking about babies and children as a part of your own life.

And it's not a coincidence that if you're thinking for proposing to your girl that you've been hearing more commercials about rings and jewelry stores. The ads were always there; you're just listening with new ears.

Do I have a point? Not really. I get the feeling the same as everyone else. But I hope I can buck the heard mentality--and listen and be true to myself.

big love

2007-08-29T09:49:00.000-05:00

For the Big Love watchers our there, I came across an interesting interview on EW.com's PopWatch Blog with the reporter on the poly-love beat for the Salt Lake Tribune, which has a blog dedicated to polygamy.

blubber

2007-08-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

Taking a moment's break from my editing this morning, I glanced at my belly. I just thought I'd let you all know that my belly fat doesn't pooch equaly. It' gathers more to the left of center. Then there's a bit to the right of center, but it doesn't match the left. I hate it when things aren't equal and matching.

name calling

2007-08-23T09:52:00.000-05:00

A PR guy just called me accidentally. He was trying to reach a coworker. I said I'd transfer him.

Then, out of nowhere, with the natural course of the conversation already over, he breaks out a joke about my name. Ha. Ha. Ugh.

I try to continue with polietly transfering him, and he makes a second joke, or tries at least.

After my coworker gets off the phone with the PR guy, he tells me that the guy went on to comment on my name to him and make more jokes.

"Say, hi, to Summer for me!" And this is part of he bid as a professional in the workplace for us to review the new product press release he'd submitted?

How about you say goodbye to the chances of your new product getting any coverage in my magazine!

going back in 3, 2, 1...

2007-08-09T12:22:00.000-05:00

OK, so the countdown clock is really sitting at 5 hours and 30 minutes. But the butterflies have already begun congregating in my belly.

I'm going back to school. And I'm excited like the little geek-nerd that I am.

blind luck

2007-07-18T19:37:00.000-05:00

What is luck? How do you prove true talent?

I was in a swimming competition last month. My first competition ever.

First up: freestyle. I got up on to the platform. It slants down, so one couldn't help but dive into the water.

BANG. At the sound of the gun, my mind goes blank. I lean forward and cannonball into the water. Yes, cannonball. My goggles pop off my head, and I swim the race blind weaving back and forth.

Goggles lost. How about the match? I found my name near the bottom of the list for my age group. A loss? Not quite. I actually got third in my division. Yay! Points for my team! Blind luck? Maybe. But definitely a good douse of funny embarrassment mixed in.

Day two: Backstroke. First off, I had new goggles, but my swim cap split in two. I did a great back dive into the water (especially considering I'd never done it before). I swam well for me. I hadn't learned how to do the turn in the water, so that slowed me down a bit. But I was satisfied. I'd accomplished what I'd wanted.

Now, for the results: Near the bottom of the list for my age group. Same as the night before, there were only three girls in my division competing, so again, I got third--but much closer to second than the night before.

And the end, not luck, for good or bad. It was just me, a few months of spotty practice in the pool and my nerves--doing what I never had the nerve to do in high school.

some days

2007-06-21T12:36:00.000-05:00

Some days I just don't like people.

Their mere existence is annoying, bothersome.

I, of course, exclude you from this loathing. I very much like your existence--most of the time, at least.

travelin' sans car

2007-06-19T18:27:00.000-05:00

OK, this one is quick.

I've had my bicycle for a month now, so it was time to take it back to the cycle shop for them to check the tire pressure and alignment and all. So, one day after work, I thought I'd challenge myself to riding to the shop from my apartment. It'd be a little over 2.5 miles in a straight shot. but as that would involve major roads during rush hour, I negotiated around the side streets, so I probably added on an extra mile.

I arrive at the bike shop, proud and sweaty. The guy takes my bike and writes on a slip. "OK, we'll have it ready for you by 4pm tomorrow." Tomorrow? The book in my bag that I was to read while waiting suddenly became an inconvenient brick. I looked out at the long road ahead of me. My roomie was out for the evening. Kcprogrammer was still at work across town. Thankfully yellowdancer was home and took out time to come pick my tired butt up.

take a break

2007-06-11T18:46:00.000-05:00

I waste a lot of time. But I spend little time really allowing myself to relax. I recently heard a professor say we are living with constant partial attention. We are always checking in on everything but never fully present and focused on one thing (or person).

With all the distractions and noise, it becomes uncomfortable to be silent. To be silent inside. I want to be distracted. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. What if I find out that I really have no thoughts of my own?

Taking vacations, taking breaks, taking time for yourself and loved ones is something that kcprogrammer and I've been talking a lot about lately. It was one of those subjects that once it's brought up, events all around you seems to relate back to it.

So everything around me and kcprogrammer is telling us to remember to take out time, and we agree. But agreeing and doing are not the same. It's a lot of work to take a break.

if you knew i was coming, would you bake a cake?

2007-05-23T20:05:00.000-05:00

At my cousin's wedding last weekend, practically every person I spoke with asked about Kcprogrammer, how long we'd been together, and whether we were talking about marriage. And I'm an open person. You know I'll talk about almost anything. But I really got tired of it. People assume that since we've been dating for a year and a half that we must be on the verge of marriage. And we may be. But what I realized in my annoyance with this same question being asked over and over--to which I never seemed to be able to offer a response that satisfied--was that they were asking the wrong question.

Just because you may madly love your boyfriend of a year--or three years for that matter--doesn't mean that you can spend the next 50 years with him and still be happy. Love is the icing. It's nice in little tastes by itself, but it's only truly good when it is the complement to something much more substantial--say a delectable, moist cake. But that won't happen if you don't have the right ingredients. And this is one recipe that I don't want to mess up.

I think too many people get a taste of the icing and assume that the cake that's beneath it is equally yummy. We rush in foolhardily--even when we think ourselves rational--and we pay the price. All of these wedding shows on TV--what if they followed up and showed the couples going through their divorces or living in loveless, commitmentless marriages just a few years down the road?

A poor dessert leaves one less satisfied than if no dessert had been had at all. This may all sound like Kcprogrammer is going to be fighting an uphill battle. But if at the top of the hill, one receives the best cake ever tasted, the climb will have been more than worth it.

27 and tired

2007-05-14T20:56:00.000-05:00

Last year on my 26th birthday, I felt no difference from it and my 25th. This birthday--my 27th--has a distinctly different feel. I'm undeniably close to 30. And while my boyfriend and several of my friends have hit that age mark, it still looms before me. I feel old.

I know many of you must chuckle at this. But those of you who are chuckling are probably older than me. So then, think back to when you first met me or the age you remember me best. Remember how you old were at the time? Now fast forward to today. Feel your age now?

I have nothing against adulthood. And I'm not saying that I'm clinging to my childhood. It's merely a recognition of knowing who I was, who I am, and who I am on the path to becoming. Life is about continuous change, and I like patterns and predictability--and early bedtimes. If I'm going to bed at 10pm now--even on the weekends--does that indicate that I'll be in bed by 9pm when I'm 37 or 8pm when I'm 47?

The second of my cousins is getting married this weekend in Georgia. I'm going and so are all but one of my other cousins. The cousin who is already married will be bringing his 5-month-old daughter. It will be the first time I see her. It makes me feel old. But then I'll probably get a dose of young-unmarried-person reality when I'm put in a hotel room with my mom, grandma and only female (single) cousin.

And on another birthday topic: Kcprogrammer sent the most gorgeous bouquet of roses to me at work today. I was simply floored and lost all ability to concentrate on my work for the rest of the afternoon. Amazingly thoughtful gift or no, I love that guy. (It's just that with the addition of the amazingly thoughtful gift he gets big-time points, which are useful to get a girlfriend to postpone any nagging or pestering for at least a day or two.)

And on a non-birthday note: Countingpigs, I love you, and I'm thinking of you. The invader will be gone by the time you wake.

no tv tuesdays

2007-04-30T21:33:00.000-05:00

My roomie and I have decided to forgo TV watching on Tuesday nights. I'll also be putting my little laptop away for the day. I was pushing for no TV Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I think my roomie isn't quite ready for such a drastic step.

The idea is to remind ourselves of what the world is like unconnected. Tonight, for example, had both of us on the couch, TV on, and both our laptops out and in use. Seriously, we've been sucked in. So, perhaps tomorrow and the Tuesdays that follow will allow us to take a breather from our electronic connections and allow us the opportunity to strengthen our friendship connection. A little corny, but I'm not feeling very creative tonight.

sadness and rain

2007-04-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

In movies and books, when someone is deeply sad or mourning the passing of a loved one, rain is a close companion. Happy days come with warm, shining suns.

I'm a May baby, so it frequently rains on my birthday. And I don't know that I've ever been to a funeral at which I needed an umbrella. Until today.

I got an email this morning that a coworker's husband had passed away. I don't work with this woman directly, but she has a special place in my heart. She worked at my old job when I was an intern. And every time I talk to her she makes me smile and laugh and feel a little more at ease with the fact that the world is a messed up place.

I only met her husband a handful of times. They rode motorcycles across the country. He was the type who would be the first to offer to help you move or repair you fence.

Two weeks ago when I was busy getting ready to go to my conference, he was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't know. After my week in Vegas, I realized I hadn't seen her for a while. But we work on different floors, and our work doesn't overlap. Maybe she was on vacation. I didn't know.

He was 63. They had been married for 42 years. They had two weeks to say goodbye. Two weeks. My heart aches with sadness.

time change

2007-04-24T22:21:00.000-05:00

In Vegas, my body was on Kansas City time. Now, back in KC, I'm on Vegas time. Sigh. Sleep, when will you become my friend?

On another time note, I'm ahead at work. I know now why I'm such a procrastinator. Being prepared and ahead of things is simply boring.

One of my co-workers has the chance to go to a conference in Korea (South Korea, of course). While I'm jealous as all heck, it would be a great opportunity for her to see a different part of the world. She hasn't been out of the US since she was a kid. The world is an amazing place. I've been lucky to have trekked through a bit of it here and there. I can play nice and be happy for her opportunity. But I'm totally calling dibs on the next work trip out of the US...

las vegas, again

2007-04-23T22:11:00.000-05:00

Another year; another big conference in Sin City. The days are filled with press conferences and booth visits. The nights require cocktail parties and receptions. And for some crazy reason I decided to give myself the extra chore of creating a blog for the show.

I dreaded going to Las Vegas. I trudged through though. My silver lining: vacation. Kcprogrammer had never been to Vegas, so he came out on my last day of the conference and we stayed the weekend. I didn't think I'd ever like being in Las Vegas again. I was wrong. We had an absolutely amazing time.

We took a helicopter ride over the Hoover Dam and down into the Grand Canyon. It wasn't a cheap excursion, but the experience was priceless.

Cirque was great as usual. And we went to see the Anthony Cools Experiment at Paris Las Vegas. It's not a big show, but one that should be on your must-see list. He hypnotizes volunteers from the audience creating one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. The only caveat here is that the humor is crude. Kcprogrammer bought the video of the show we saw, so you can check that out sometime if you're curious...

weight lifting

2007-04-10T19:47:00.000-05:00

I've been busy these past few months. Busy putting out the two biggest issues of the year for the magazine. Busy working on my largest freelance project to date. Busy dealing with migraines. Busy busy busy. And then, all at once, I wasn't. The weights lifted. And I didn't quite know what to do with myself.

And I also started weightlifting. The Kansas City Corporate Challenge is coming up in May, and I get to be the mandatory, token female on my work's three-person weightlifting team. My goal is modest. I'd like to be able to lift 100 pounds. Right now, I can lift 85 pounds. I wasn't put on the team because of my amazing strength, mind you. I was put on the team because I said I'd do it if no other females signed up. But still, I'd be proud of myself if I could reach 100.

When I was at the mall today, I couldn't help but try on a few swimsuits. They had those Miraclesuits that promise to make you look 10 pounds lighter. And they do, to a degree. The problem is that if the top of you looks smaller, then your thighs look absolutely mammoth beneath to your 10-pound lighter torso. Seriously, I looked down at my thighs and thought that it must be a trick mirror. Those must have been the thighs of the woman on the other side of the stall in the changing room. And again the repeat offenders showed up: my too-big boobs and my nonexistent butt. I really hate shopping sometimes.

But the weight of time presses on me. I only have a few more days before I leave for Vegas. I need to somehow cobble together professional outfits that are still comfortable. My booth visits in the four massive exhibit halls is the most physically demanding part of my job. And this is when they expect me to wear dress shoes? Last year, I lost feeling in the tip of my big toe for two months after the conference. A good, new pair of black shoes is at the top of my shopping list.

the dream life

2007-03-11T11:26:00.000-05:00

I am not awake; I just can't sleep.

warts and all

2007-02-06T21:20:00.000-06:00

I have thoughts rolling around in my head. But they are too close to me to reveal in this forum. Perhaps with a little time and distance, or perhaps when I get really worked up on the subject, but not right now.

A thought held back, holds so much more power than those released. It consumes. It fills the cracks and crannies of the mind allowing little else in. Partial thoughts squeeze through here and there. But they can't take root. They can't develop or produce fruit.

And that is where I feel like I am. I sit here, feeling as if I have volumes to share. And all I have is the boring details of life. The migraines of late have been bad, real bad. The massage therapist said my muscles felt more akin to bone than supple, healthy muscle. She said I needed to sleep more, get my eyes checked out, watch my posture when lifting weights, and mostly to stop using the computer so much.

I got a new pill from the doctor. We'll see if this one will help with the migraines--and the nausea that's been accompanying them. He also cut a hole in the bottom of my foot. A shallow plantar wart is now a gaping red crater of hurt. It'd be really cool and worth taking a picture of if looking at it didn't make me so light headed.

I got my teeth cleaned today. I confessed that I was not as good at flossing as I should be. The tech actually said that she couldn't believe that because my teeth had very little tartar. She really shouldn't be encouraging my floss avoidance. One thing I am, though, is a dedicated brusher. So, of course, I have little tartar, but I do have a cavity.

I was one of those kids who was glad to lose her baby teeth because they were all silver. I think I had a filling in every molar. I brush and brush, but every year or so, a new one emerges or an old one comes out of hibernation.

And one of my inlays is chipped. (For those of you not in the know and inlay or an onlay is the stopgap between a filling and a crown.) The plus is that I'm only four teeth cleanings away from a free Sonicare toothbrush. There's something to look forward to in two years...

LOST starts back up again tomorrow. People will probably come over. My roomie wants to make taco salad. We sat and looked around our apartment. Christmas boxes still sit on the dining room table. the coffee table is littered with dirty cups, plates, bowls and spoons. Packing material from a lamp that I had to exchange still lays on the floor. The new lamp sits unpacked in a tall white box that my roomie's put her purse on. I don't even want to think about the kitchen...

That said, I hope people come by tomorrow night. I haven't sent out an invite. Still, I hope they come.

I can feel the nothing, the hole, the space where there used to be a chunk of me--and, of course, a wart.

it's a start

2007-01-30T22:21:00.001-06:00

Angkor Wat, Reflection
Originally uploaded by theCallowQueen.

OK, so my trip to Singapore and Cambodia was last November. I've finally started to put some of them online. Check them out here.

It is taking me awhile to label all of these with the correct information. But I promise there will be more to come!

a nice note

2007-01-10T20:20:00.000-06:00

Many people would call me a good friend. Few of them would call me nice. If I'm not nice, am I therefore mean? That thought used to bother me.

I got a few nice notes from people in the past few days. Note to readers: Nice isn't always nice. Often it is deceitful, cowardly and fake.

one person's white trash...

2007-01-08T21:34:00.000-06:00

...is another person's treasured life.

I was reminded this weekend of how horribly judgmental I am. My only comfort in this is that most of you share this fault with me.

One of these days perhaps we can allow others to live their own lives. The only tricky part is if we allow them to own their lives, then we might be expected to own ours. I don't know if I'm ready for that burden.

I leave all of you to your chosen fates.

terrible speller

2007-01-04T21:48:00.000-06:00

I have a confession: I'm not a good speller. Now, I'm pretty darn good at all that other editing stuff. But my weak spelling may just be my downfall. The test comes tomorrow. We shall see.

the morning after

2006-12-26T08:06:00.000-06:00

It's the morning after Christmas. And the only people who should be out early are the bargain shoppers. (There were about 100 in line this morning at MicroCenter this morning. My guess is that they made a mad dash for the 47-inch HDTVs, which were priced at $799.99 for a mere 25 minutes.)

It's the morning after Christmas. And I am at work. I'm one of the few in the office today. My bosses are gone. My actual tasks are few. And despite trying to dawdle as much as possible, I arrived at work early. Sigh.

oh where, oh where...

2006-12-19T14:44:00.000-06:00

...has my favorite Sharpie gone?

I can't find my Sharpie. Have you seen it?

why don't you just shine already?

2006-12-14T06:11:00.000-06:00

My brain is stalled. I have three partially written posts with no endings. My mind is full of incomplete thoughts. As soon as I think them, I hit a wall and investigation stops.

I'm in a place before the beginning of something. I sense change and movement. I suspect, but I cannot see. I'm in darkness, waiting for the sun to rise. Only then may I choose my path.

The hard part is the waiting. I'm antsy. I don't want to stand still and wait. It's uncomfortable. It's trying. It stresses me out. I want to know now. I have an urge to start walking even though I lack the ability to see what lies before me.

What I really want is an aerial view. I want to see each path's start, middle and--most important--end.

The sun needs to wake up, because I can't sleep.

come celebrate!

2006-12-04T09:49:00.000-06:00

My roomie and I are having a party this Friday at our apartment. And if you know us and know where we live, you're probably invited. Outsiders are welcome. Just give me a call before you extend the invite.

What we're celebrating:

countingpigs! She's came in late this Saturday and leaving on Dec. 10 (which is her birthday)
Birthdays! The list: my roomie, countingpigs, my roomie's boyfriend, kcprogrammer's sister, and AM (if you didn't happen to see her for her birthday) and anyone else who wants to claim a November/December birthday
Pre-Christmas! Meaning my roomie and I may have put the Christmas tree up by then
Cambodia! countingpigs and I will--I hope--have pictures and stories about our adventure in Cambodia
Me! This will be a great chance to see me (and it's probably been awhile since you've been able to do that)
Work! While not something to celebrate for most of us, I just heard that aulurienne got a promotion at one job (meaning that she may be able to quit her other job)
Moving! With aulurienne and Big-Bold-D moving in above my roomie and me, I'm sure you'll all want to take a tour of a floor plan nearly identical to mine and a mirror of Big-Bold-D's old pad

We'll have:

music (but feel free to bring your own--no Christmas music, please)
food (cake and ice cream at the very least) you're more than welcome to complement it with your own selection of favorite snacks and drinks, especially if you want alcohol
fun (board games, perhaps G-man trying to swallow a teaspoon of cinnamon) please bring any other entertainment that you'd like
ample seating
a hot heater
a clean bathroom
and hopefully pictures of the ancient temples of Angkor and of me looking like a terrorist waging a losing war against sunburn

neighbors again

2006-12-04T09:18:00.000-06:00

Big-Bold-D and aulurienne are moving in above my roomie and me. I'm so excited to have them both as neighbors, again, but for the first time together.

Fall 1999 to spring 2000: aulurienne and another friend from high school take up residence in the dorm room across the hall and one down from me. My roomie transfers to KU and by luck ends up in the room directly across from me.

Fall 2000 to winter 2001: aulurienne and her roommate end up in the on-campus apartment that is across the hall--as well as next to--my apartment with my roomie.

Summer 2004 to summer 2006: Big-Bold-D and G-man take the the apartment across the hall from my roomie and me.

Winter 2006: Big-Bold-D and aulurienne move in to the apartment above!

I'm giddy. I get to have my friends near me once more. I was feeling the loss of friendship a little bit of late. I don't leave much room in my weekends for socializing these days. And after the boys moved out, my opportunities to visit them and their visitors evaporated. Friendships take work--work that I realize that I haven't been putting in my fair share of, and I'm feeling the effects of it. So, I'm happy for this new opportunity.

i'm back, i'm tired

2006-11-25T13:24:00.000-06:00

Jet lag sucks. A day's worth of time in the air to get home ain't all that grand either.

But the trip itself was great. Being with countingpigs was great. The food was great.

The US Department of Agriculture wasn't great though when they took away my yummy treats. :(

I've copied all my pictures to my computer. My little lappy only has 1.5GB of space left on it. I'll need to do a bit of backup work.

I'll post them when I can. This week is going to be crazy.

Countingpigs will actually be coming into town next weekend. Her birthday is on the 10th. And I was out of the country for my roomie's birthday. So I'm thinking a party is needed. Maybe either next Sunday (because countingpigs gets in late on Saturday) or the Friday or Saturday after (she leaves the following Sunday).

Oh, and the Thanksgiving Day dinner with kcprogrammer's family and my family went well. He did a lot of work to prepare for it. I was quite impressed.

OK, must run. More later--hopefully with pictures

in two days

2006-11-20T18:04:00.000-06:00

In two days I'll be on a plane home. I'll be happy to be home with my family for thanksgiving. I'll also be sad to be leaving this experience.

I'm not the type to move very far away. Chicago seems like a world away. So, if I can't think of moving to a city that's a mere two hours away by plane, I probably won't be packing up for a relocation to a foreign country any time soon. That said, I have the travel bug.

I love learning how other people live.
I love seeing the sunset behind oceans and seas.
I love listening to the song of an unknown language being hummed all around me.
I love tasting all the different foods.
I love taking pictures of the places I go.

I miss my life and the safety I find in being able to fall into set patterns of waking, working, eating, being.
I miss my people. I miss the security from hugs from my family. I miss the comfort from kcprogrammers hand interlaced with mine. I miss the insight that only my roomie can provide. I miss the connectedness of knowing the inside jokes that come from being a part of my friends' daily lives.
I miss my food. I love the food I've been eating these past two weeks, don't get me wrong. And I'm taking full advantage of the opportunity. But I'm really craving a bean burrito right now.
I miss my bed, my bathroom, my cell phone, my computer and all my comforts.
I miss my life, but I don't regret the decision to leave it for a time. My live is waiting. Two weeks is a short time that, when thinking of the life on hold, can feel like a long time. But most of my life will wait for me, almost as it was when I left.

And in two days I'll be back.

last night's dinner

2006-11-12T10:26:00.000-06:00

Leftovers
Originally uploaded by theCallowQueen.

I'm in Singapore. The food is tasty and very different from my usual. Here, I often prefer to eat first and ask later.

I did know that these were frog legs, though, when I plopped them into my soup. They're kept alive in tanks like lobsters or in big plastic bags. This, of course, didn't really whet my appetite, but it didn't hold me back, either.

"It tastes like chicken," Countingpig's friend joked with me.

He's right. The meat from a frog's leg tastes very much like that from a chicken's. The texture is smoother though.

But onto one of my favorite meats: pork. The pork here is amazingly tasty. It's either they're using a different kind of pig or a different kind of flavoring--or both. For lunch it was steamed pork soup dumplings. For an after-dinner bite it was a crispy pastry filled with egg and pork floss. Floss is very tasty, but it's like hot dogs or Jell-O--you don't want to know how it's made or what parts of the animal are used in it.

Oh, and for dessert we had these fried pastries that, when dunked into the juice from our bean curd dessert, tastes very much like funnel cake. Yummy!

test

2006-10-26T10:55:00.000-05:00

I'm playing with Blogger's new beta interface. It offers some new abilities at the price of losing many of my HTML and CSS tweaks. I need to figure out whether I can integrate them into the new template.

Oh, but look, I can tag my posts.

word of the day: concatenate

2006-10-26T09:29:00.000-05:00

con·cat·e·nate tr.v. 1. To connect or link in a series or chain. 2. Computer Science To arrange (strings of characters) into a chained list.
adj. Connected or linked in a series.
I came upon the word twoard the end of an article I edited this morning. The sentence: A worldwide sports event earlier this year demonstrated the results of a poor concatenation of standards converters.

bottling time

2006-10-24T14:05:00.000-05:00

It feels as if I have accomplished more in the last five hours than I usually get done in five days. I want to bottle that feeling of productivity. It's invigorating.

My freelance work has also given me a bit of a professional jump-start. I met with my newest client yesterday over lunch. They like my work. And their client list is growing, so there's potential for more projects to come my way. I have two parts to a long-term project to finish for them before I leave for Singapore.

Add in to this going to the gym and watching a bit TV to decompress with my roomie or with my boyfriend, and you have my life in a nutshell.

And if you're wondering if I've read your blog recently, I haven't. Thanks for reading mine though. (I'll catch up soon. I hope you all are well.)

lost and found

2006-10-02T10:57:00.000-05:00

Lost starts up again this Wednesday. My roomie and I are reviving our Wednesday Lost-watching parties.

The show starts at 8 pm, but you're welcome before then. If you want to drop by before 6:30, call first.

A special this-Wednesday-only bonus: My roomie mentioned that her boy may be bringing over some food fixings.

Note to all: You're more than welcome to bring any food or drink items with you. It's great if you want to share. Be advised, we almost never have pop. We have water aplenty, though. We'll even throw in ice at no extra charge.

Note to Lost-haters: You're welcome to come by and socialize if you'd like. If you come over while the show is on, no Lost-hating comments.

Lost about lost? Those who want a quick summary, come at 7 pm. We've got last night's mega two-season recap on the DVR. (Yes, we have a DVR. I know, I'm still recovering from the shock. Sorry, no HD viewing abilities at this time. Maybe with my roomie's next promotion...)

ABC is supposed to show all new episodes for the next six or seven weeks. So, consider this a standing invitation for every Wednesday in October plus a few more into November. Hey, what else do you have to do on your Wednesday evenings?

So what happens if you miss a week? Come an hour early the next week; we'll probably be replaying the episode you missed. Oh, and we do take requests if the price is right.

And pass the word on. The more people we can bring into the cult of the Lost the better.

What's been keeping me busy
OK, so I know this blog has been a bit neglected. I'm busy. I'm tired. I miss my friends.

I'm on a triple deadline right now. US edition goes out today, world edition tomorrow and a supplement the day after.

My freelance work has also been keeping me busy. I've got a new client who likes my work and has passed a sizable project my way. I also had this interview with a custom communications group. I'll let you all know more when, well, I know more.

Things are good with me and the boy (because I know you all will ask if I don't say so). This Saturday will be one year. Now that's a crazy thought--a nice, but crazy thought. I kind of wanted to go to the restaurant where we had our first date. My roomie says that we could go there anytime and to make him spring for a nice meal at McCormick & Schmick's or some place like that. Tempting...

My Singapore trip is scheduled for the beginning of November. Now countingpigs wants me to pick the location of our trip (a week-long trip within my trip). I'm having a tough time deciding where we should go. If I could have a moment to pause in my busyness (and not be brain dead from exhaustion), I would be able to better show my excitement that this is finally working out.

OK, that's all the big stuff, I think. Have a happy Monday!

the debt-free dance

2006-09-12T12:44:00.000-05:00

A letter sent to me last week stated:

DEBITS SUSPENDED

Huh? Further down:

Electronic debiting of your Direct Loan payment is being halted temporarily because we granted a deferment, forbearance, or other type of suspension of payments on your Direct Loan(s).

We will send you a Notice when the electronic debiting is to resume for your monthly payment.

Huh? So, I called.
I told the woman on the phone that my payments have been halted, but I hadn't asked for a deferment or forbearance or done anything else to halt repayment. Her reply: Yes, you have.

Huh? She explained: You paid off your loan.

WooHoo! I am debt free! It's kind of an odd thought in this day and age. I owe no one. I am not working to pay for my past. I'm free.

manuscript submission of the day

2006-09-08T09:49:00.000-05:00

"I’d like to pique your interest in writing about IPDR - IP detail record-streaming protocol. It doesn't sound very sexy, but it is critical in the cable and telecom industries today."

First, um, sexy? Does this PR person understand this industry? Sexy really isn't a part of the equation.

Second, the redundant nature of "IP detail record-streaming protocol" is driving me nuts. The "P" in "IP" stands for Protocol, so Internet Protocol detail record-streaming protocol is just dumb. And I won't even venture to touch on the capitalization issues here.

I suggested to a fellow editor that it should be renamed as "Detail Record-streaming Internet Protocol," or "DRIP." (Drip also carries a double meaning: a tiresome, annoying person. Hmm. How fitting.)

I actually looked up what this protocol's proper name is: Internet Protocol Detail Record. So, the PR person at least got the acronym correct as IPDR. Still, I think there should be a petition to change it to DRIP.

editing quote of the day

2006-09-01T11:12:00.000-05:00

"I suggest that shooting naked is not the best course of action..."

I rarely get to edit such exciting material — about the benefit of "dressing" the front of a camcorder lens with a filter. Next on my editing menu: directional antennas.

crack

2006-08-28T15:26:00.000-05:00

I rock hit my windshield this morning on the way into work. It's not big, but it still wasn't the way I would have liked to start out my week.

When a house is tottering to its fall,
The strain lies heaviest on the weakest part,
One tiny crack throughout the structure spreads,
And its own weight soon brings it toppling down.
—Ovid

Cracks happen against your will. They happen in spite of your efforts to avoid them.

Words strain,
Crack and sometimes break, under the burden,
Under the tension, slip, slide, perish,
Decay with imprecision, will not stay in place,
Will not stay still.
—T.S. Eliot

Fissures suddenly spring up and can't be closed or mended. One is helpless watching the crack, willing it not to spread.

It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.
—Mae West

Leave it to Mae West to put life and it's flaws back into perspective.

strange news

2006-08-23T14:19:00.000-05:00

ABC News: A Pregnant Man?

OK, you've got to read this. It's so bizarre.

Quote: Inside Bhagat's stomach was a strange, half-formed creature that had feet and hands that were very developed. Its fingernails were quite long.

off making money

2006-08-23T12:17:00.000-05:00

Affluenza, my current book club book, is all about how our consumeristic culture is killing us. And how we believe making more money will make us happier but just makes us emptier.

I think many of us would agree with this. The Pope recently told us to chill out a bit and relax before we all became hard-hearted and spiritually stunted.

But that's easier said than done isn't it? We want what others have. We want what we think will improve our lives. And most of the things we've got to have cost money. So we work.

My roomie and I have recently decided to get a DVR because videotaping is too troublesome anymore, oh and while we're at it, we might as well upgrade to digital cable and add the internet. We haven't had the internet in five years. It's going to be tough going from a $12 bill to a $90 one. But we have to have it, right?

I can justify the internet. My freelance work is growing. I just got another job. And having the internet will simplify my work. So I'm working to pay for the internet, which I need to do my work. Hmm...

For the rest of the week, I'm going to push off the book and the Pope's recommendations. I have a magazine to get out and a rush-order freelance gig to get through before Friday. Maybe this time, maybe money will be able to buy me happiness.

Or maybe not. At least my weekend looks to be work-free. I might even have time to look for a affluenza remedy. Do you think I can find that with the flu and cold meds at CVS?

flickr time

2006-08-14T16:27:00.000-05:00

Magazine play
Originally uploaded by theCallowQueen.

I finally posted new photos to Flickr. They're from my recent trip to Chicago. I'll put more up as time allows.

My dear friends and former co-workers on my faux magazine cover were able to attend the conference too, and they got to trot home with a stack of award plaques.

nibble, nibble, bite

2006-08-09T14:53:00.000-05:00

I'm not hungry, but I have the desire to eat and eat and eat today. Sigh.

Twix, I hear you calling.

a royals evening

2006-08-09T11:21:00.000-05:00

Kcprogrammer and I went with A&J to the Royals' game last night against the Red Sox. It was a good game. A ball hit by one of the Red Sox guys went flying straight toward us (AT and I ducked while the boys were eyeing the potential prize). Thankfully, it continued flying over our heads and out of the ballpark. The Royals won! And it was nice to spend some time with friends. (And I didn't get a sunburn!)

i want candy

2006-08-07T10:48:00.000-05:00

It was one thing for my roomie to go on a super health kick. She's eating all this low-cal stuff, which I'm cool with (I like having good snack options), and going to the gym every freakin' day, which makes me feel a bit lazy and tired. But then last week, kcprogrammer kicked exercise and health eating into high gear as well.

The overall end result I'm good with. I don't eat out as much. I eat healthier foods. I'm motivated to go to the gym a bit more often so I don't feel like such a slug.

The problem: There's a sever lack of chocolate in my life. Yes, I could go to the store and buy candy bars to eat. But that requires, um, effort.

See, I'm not the grocery shopper in my household. My roomie may give me instructions to pick up and item or two on rare occasions, but she's the buyer. (This is due partly to my avoidance of the task, her preferred shopping time on the way home from work, and the fact that I don't think she trusts me to make the most cost-effective choices.)

And now no candy or dessert with kcprogrammer either. If he's going to indulge, he tends more towards pizza or BBQ than chocolate and ice cream.

The other day at the store (yes, I have been known to go into stores), I looked at the fat and calories in my favorite candy bars. The facts weren't good, I know, no surprise. But I was hoping that one, just one, of my preferred sweets might somehow slip into the not outrageous category. For more sad news, see CNN's Nutrition Comparison of Sweets.

In the words of my doctor, "If it tastes good, spit it out."

headaches

2006-08-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

So that headache from Monday worsened. And the meds I was given to relieve the headache (since I'm not supposed to take ibuprofen any longer and Tylenol does nothing for me) turned out to be nothing but trouble, intensifying my upset stomach. A trip to the porcelain god was required before calling it quits for the day.

I went home still hoping to take a nap and then finish my day's work. That didn't happen. The throbbing continued in my head and the nausea came like waves. Thank you, to my very attentive roomie. I'm very lucky to have you.

I did feel well enough to venture back to work at 6a.m. to work for a few hours without the noise of co-workers or the glaring lights. I didn't accomplish as much as my managing editor would have liked. But she was, understandably stressed. My illness left her alone on the editorial staff to tackle two magazine deadlines and the day's ration of newsletters. I felt bad, but I would have felt even worse if I had stayed. I simply could not look at my computer screen for an instant longer.

My boss, who has less to do with production and didn't know of the stress my managing editor was under, was surprised and impressed with my dedication. He even asked me if he could get me anything from downstairs. (OK, most of you would not be impressed by this, but if you knew what a reclusive type my boss is, you'd be impressed.)

I went home a bit after 9a.m. to spend a second day nursing my headache. I tried to nap. I grew restless. And then last night, I couldn't sleep at all. I tossed and turned and woke a bit grumpy and with aches in my back.

So, after two days of resting to nurse a headache, I'm more tired than when I began.

asleep at the keyboard

2006-07-31T09:45:00.000-05:00

I'm working in a fog this morning. I have my multitude of tasks vying for attention in my brain.
"Me next!"
"No, me first!"
"Don't do that!"
"I'm the priority"

And I have a headache.

I haven't read any blogs in weeks. Bloglines is showing that I have 1549 unread posts.

I have two 800-word articles to write that are past due. I was given a short deadline; they're not for my magazine, I'm not getting paid for them, and I haven't written anything that substantial in a long time. Yes, I'm procrastinating.

On Sunday kcprogrammer came with me to help my paternal grandmother move into her new place. We began at 7a.m. and had moved two loads in an hour and a half. But the work wasn't over. We then went to my maternal grandmother's house to assist my mom in sorting through the last of the items and putting them into a U-Haul truck bound for a storage unit. Kcprogrammer got an excellent chance to see how the two sides of my family operate very differently.

I don't know how it happened but the sale of both houses is today.

That's it from me for now. Toodles.

back and busy

2006-07-24T13:41:00.000-05:00

I'm back from the Windy City. Had a great time. And most of my favorite magazine friends were there in all of their award-winning glory.

My bed was ridiculously hard. I mean really hard. So hard that it wasn't just me complaining. One person was moved to a different room and wasn't charged for his uncomfortable night. Others just complained. For me in the end, they put a thick feather bed down, and with six pillows around me, I was able to sleep just fine.

On Saturday night I got an amazing chance to see Cirque du Soleil's Corteo. It was one of the best performances that I have ever seen. It had a story line that I think I almost was able to understand. And that's only because they threw in a bit of English. OK, I just read a little more about the story line for Corteo. I need to downgrade my estimation of how much I understood. I got the funeral part and the procession. But I completely didn't catch on that he was a clown!

time flies

2006-07-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

I leave for Chicago in two days. There is so much to get done before then. I have a running mental list (and am sure to forget half of its contents).

One thing I didn't forget this morning was finding my flight itinerary so that I could send it to kcprogrammer. He had kindly volunteered to take his girlfriend to the airport for her flight on Wednesday morning. Except when I looked to check the exact time, this is what I saw: 7:05PM. Shite.

kcprogrammer even had to read it a second time before he notice the error. Now what?

My choices:

Fly out at 7:05pm and miss out on a reception where I'd meet the other scholarship winners, the organizations board members and staff, and conference speakers. There was even a chance that I could go to the national board meeting and talk about my chapter's blog. And I was going to try to fit in a wee bit of sightseeing.
Pay $151 to change my flight to 7:40am. Um, no.
Fly standby and risk the boredom of a day spent at KCI and the chance that my butt could still be on that 7pm flight.
Call three hours in advance of the flight I want to get advance standby. Confirmation price: $25. First flight out (and probably the most likely to have open seats): 6:20am. Three hour call ahead time: 3:20am. Ugh.

So, I'm feeling understandably brilliant this morning.

a day's difference

2006-07-10T09:40:00.000-05:00

OK, so Thursday kinda sucked. Friday in contrast was great.

The family stuff calmed down a bit.

At work, we met with a new hire who's going to be taking over a nice chunk of our web duties. I am so happy. I was about to drown with rolling out three newsletters a week along with my regular duties. And then I found out that it was my day to take summer hours (and leave work at 1pm). I owe my thanks to the editor who took care of a task for me that afternoon. And before I left, our company fed us free pizza.

And it was my nine-month anniversary with kcprogrammer. Cheesy, maybe, but it makes me happy. He brought me some gorgeous roses and treated me to a lovely dinner. And the weather was good, so we walked to Blockbuster.

family wear and tear

2006-07-07T08:55:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy week.

I worked 11 straight hours yesterday. My very empty stomach was grateful for the Maui Express my roomie and YellowDancer picked up for me.

I also got a troubling email from my uncle and a call from my mom. It's stuff about my grandma and the sale of her house. But what I think it's really about is power. There's a tug of war for control right now in my family. And I'm sad. Everyone is acting how each thinks is best. But the ideas of "best" counter each other and create friction.

I've been thinking about family a lot lately.

One of the morning shows on the radio was talking about a dating website that is targeted at married people. The host was basically talking about how cool of an idea it was and how he'd love to get with a rich, married woman. And my heart hurt.

My roomie and I watched an episode of Bridezillas the other night. The show followed two brides as they prepared for their weddings. Now the show works hard to cherry pick the craziest of the crazy for the best emotional explosions, but I think these women offer magnified views of our culture's warped sense of weddings and married life. And I'm including both Christians and secularists into this culture, so don't think you're exempt for some reason. We're all warped.

Even if we try not to be, we're still affected by consumer culture. We're hungry for more, for what's different than what we currently have, for what's more expensive than what the person next to you has, for what "better," for more power, for power over others.

And it subtly seeps in to our decisions. We may be able to explain or support our positions without reference to our inner greed, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. And the more we ignore it, the more we hide the true source of our actions, the more difficult we make it to align our goals with others.

i smell swimmingly

2006-06-27T14:18:00.000-05:00

Things may not be going swimmingly right now, as I am about to drown in the work before me. But I do smell like chlorine. It's amazing how that can linger on the skin and in hair.

Anyway, if someone with CPR certification would please stand by...

bashing fox 4 news

2006-06-27T08:53:00.000-05:00

Not that it's hard to find reason to criticize WDAF-TV, but I really didn't understand just how horrible the reporting is. Two recent Fox 4 stories were riddled with errors. I have two people close to me who knew the real facts involved. The inaccuracies in both these stories are so numerous that there is no element of news left. It's storytelling. It's filling news space—of which Fox 4 has a lot to fill.

And I know that the Fox 4 team is working on a tight budget. And I know that they have to spit out news lightning fast. But really, people, you need to actually check your facts. Just because one kid tells you something doesn't make it news. Did you ask anyone else what happened? Did you contact the company for an official response? Did you actually see the police report or talk to the government official? Did you bother to recheck your facts before running an update news piece. No? No. And it's the viewers who are being misled.

This morning I caught a piece where a Fox 4 reporter was standing outside some education building in Kansas City, Mo. Now this "on location" shoot gives the report an air of more credibility to the TV audience, it has nothing to do with her gathering the facts of the story. She had no actual reason to be standing there. She hadn't interviewed anyone on the school board about the new superintendent. She hadn't gone there to receive any information first hand. The news she reported came from no work on her part, or on the part of Fox 4. She merely reported "according to The Kansas City Star."

On the TV show, "How I Met Your Mother," there's a scene where two of the characters make fun of a morning show host who actually reads the morning paper to his audience. Maybe Fox 4 should actually think of doing this. Doing so may put their audience to sleep, but at least the fiction can return to its proper home: the stuff of dreams and nightmares.

up, down, all around

2006-06-26T09:01:00.000-05:00

I wanted to make a post for you all. I wanted to give you a little glimpse into my busy life and offer an excuse as to my infrequent posting and the lengthening lapse of time between the time I see or talk with many of you.

But when I tried to do so, all my little activities seemed quite boring. Now if one is not busy, one looks lazy. And a lazy person who does nothing should be a boring person. But I think it's really the busy person who's boring because he or she is rushing through a sea of tasks, chores, and have-tos.

There's a saying about keeping always busy so that the devil will find you always engaged. But if the devil can't find an entry point into your life, neither will anyone else. When one becomes busy, the larger world becomes hidden.

I've been thinking about that drive to do more, accomplish more, achieve more lately. This morning I came across the following quote. Maybe this one struck me because kcprogrammer and I watched "Click" last night, bringing out thoughts about the family-work balance.

People are so busy dreaming the American Dream, fantasizing about what they could be or have a right to be, that they’re all asleep at the switch. Consequently we are living in the Age of Human Error.
—Florence King

Side note: At first, I found the moral lesson of putting family first in "Click" kind of odd. This was an Adam Sandler comedy. Then I thought back to some of his other movies. Many of them share a common theme of a guy who's off track or who doesn't understand what his life needs or is missing. I'm still trying to decide if this disturbs me.

And it has me thinking about the "lessons" taught to us through other comedies. Maybe I'll wait to make my decision until I see what Jack Black tries teach me about life in "Nacho Libre."

back from beantown

2006-06-20T12:15:00.000-05:00

Well after the last post, I realized that some of you might think that something bad happened while I was away. No, the trip to Boston was good. I'm good. Most things in my life are good.

But there is always the thorn. Such a little thing a thorn. But such pain it can cause. Why is it that one flaw can draw one's attention away from the otherwise beautiful state of a thing?

I know my eye is drawn away from the good and to the problem spots. I know I waste my time worrying over the little bad and cheat myself of enjoying all the good.

OK, back to focusing on the good. The weather was fine in Boston last week. I roamed around the city, mostly on foot, and spent two days in the Boston Museum of Fine Arts. And I ate lots of yummy food, though kcprogrammer and I agree that the baked beans really aren't deserving of their fame.

I'm working on a freelance project right now. But when I have some time, I'll post pictures from the trip.

quote

2006-06-20T10:29:00.000-05:00

Life improves slowly and goes wrong fast, and only catastrophe is clearly visible.
—Edward Teller

drat, i wanted that

2006-06-06T09:46:00.000-05:00

Official word: No house for me.

I wonder if I would be as disappointed had I found this out a month ago.

I wouldn't have spent the energy to investigate and measure.
I wouldn't have lost all that sleep.
I wouldn't have reworked my finances time and a gain, perfecting, balancing, aligning.
I wouldn't have traveled the up and down emotional roller coaster from the highs of being told that this is almost assured to happen to the many wrenches to the many versions of the plan.

I wouldn't have the knowledge and self-assurance.

Yes, I'm disappointed, but I feel more confident about myself. I realized that I could handle the responsibilities that come with owning a home.

Yes, I suspected that I could take on the challenge. But I've always allowed myself to hide behind any hint of immaturity to avoid facing my adulthood. This experience flooded my field of view with light, eliminating the looming shadows created by the remnants of irresponsibility and leaving few places for hiding.

And now I wonder why it was that I was hiding.

Through this process, I have better defined what I want for myself. It may take me longer than I'd like to get there. But with my newly acquired understanding of myself, I can now work on another needed personality trait: patience.

A quartet of quotes on disappointment:

Hope tells a flattering tale,
Delusive, vain, and hollow.
Ah! let not hope prevail,
Lest disappointment follow
—Miss Wrother

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy—the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.
—Eric Hoffer

Disappointment, when it involves neither shame nor loss, is as good as success; for it supplies as many images to the mind, and as many topics to the tongue.
—Samuel Johnson

Disappointment proves that expectations were mistaken.
—Mason Cooley

i'm not a pauper or a beggar

2006-06-05T10:14:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm not sure what's going on with this house thing now. Apparently the realtor is telling my grandma that she could sell the house for $20k more than we were valuing the house at (including the needed repairs).

So, of course, everything that was in place is now out of place.

My grandma is one of those people who, when presented with one new piece of information, must go back and reconsider every other thought she's had on the issue. I can't judge her on this; I am pretty much the same way.

I would like for this to work. But if it doesn't, it doesn't. No expectations. I know my grandma will feel guilty if she decides to put the house for sale. There's even talk of her still giving me money toward buy another house.

I don't want it. I don't want guilt money. I'm not poor. I'm not in need. I have a good life. I buy what I need. I save as much as I can. And I'm doing just fine.

I love gifts and opportunities that are offered freely from the heart. I treasure them. I am thankful for them. But things given out of guilt (which I am guilty of doing) are false. And in taking them, one takes on the guilt. And while the intent is different, such gift giving presents many of the same problems as manipulative giving, which involves hidden emotional strings and commitments. I've fallen into the trap of accepting these before, not realizing them for what they were. This is a danger zone for relationships.

Now, in my (oh-so-unbiased) opinion, the realtor is bettering her estimate in an attempt to snag the deal. She could get almost $10k from the sell of the house. (Thanks for kcprogrammer for the math here. And he reminded me not to forget the $$ due to the buyer's realtor, which the seller usually pays for as well.) And the realtor knows that my grandma was considering selling the house to me, and so it's understandable that she'd be putting on the pressure to keep this from slipping through her fingers. How much would you do for a quick $10k?

need stressed

2006-05-31T12:51:00.000-05:00

I have a theory that needy people tend to be stressed people.

Maybe I can get Big-Bold-D to work his math brain and come up with a proof for this.

hypocrisy

2006-05-31T10:15:00.000-05:00

There are times that I feel like such a hypocrite.

The characteristic tends to show itself the most when I'm stressed. Wait, when am I not stressed?

always open

2006-05-31T08:12:00.000-05:00

OK, so 24 Hour Fitness isn't open continuously; it does close up shop for a bit on major holidays. But other than that, the place is always brightly lit and open.

I arrive at the gym just before 5 a.m. this morning, and the place was dark. This not being a holiday, I was a bit confused by this. Then I saw someone leaving the building and watch someone else go in. Hmm.

Not wanting to have gotten up at the butt crack of dawn for nothing, I decided to see what was up. Inside, there was no one sitting at the front desk. A few people were scattered through the darkened gym working out. It was weird. In the dark, employeeless gym, it felt almost as if the gym members had broken into the place.

I looked to the glass windows that separate the gym from the pool. It looked pretty dark back there. And it was. The light from the sauna room was on though, so it cast a little light down the lanes of the pool. But the far end of the pool was pretty much dark as night.

I loved it. There was something calm and peaceful about it. All I was lacking was a night sky filled with stars.

My grandparents' pool was my second home during the summers. (And I mean that literally. I had this game where I'd hold my breath underwater while playing house and having a tea party with a friend.)

But the best time of day to swim was in the evening. I'd float on my back and watch the stars come out. I miss that.

superior children

2006-05-30T09:23:00.000-05:00

OK, this post is from The Dilbert Blog. I read it the latest post this morning and it made me laugh. My parents were so proud of my school projects. The other kids' stuff was obviously inferior.

Open House: "I recently attended a school open house for the kids, ages 6 and 8. It was my first one and I didn’t know what to expect. The main point, as I learned, was for the kids to show their parents the projects they worked on during the year. The first thing I noticed was that our kids produced spectacular works of art whereas all the other kids produced utter crap.

I listened as the other parents heaped lavish praise on their little losers, despite the obvious low quality of the work. I worried that praising shoddy workmanship would cause the kids to stall in their development. Why would you improve when you’re already impressing the people that control your access to candy? That sort of thinking is where hobos come from, and it disturbed me to hear the little tykes getting such bad guidance.

Determined to set things right, I waited until one set of parents was distracted by the teacher. Their offspring stood in front of a wall of alleged art, admiring his work. I leaned over and whispered, “You call that a dog? It looks more like a squirrel that got caught in the lawnmower.”

Naturally he started crying. But I too cry when I learn. So I figured I was on the right track. I slipped out the side door before his parents could discover who had saved their son from a future of mediocrity. Call it humility if you will. I just like to help. I don’t need to get credit.

Okay, that didn’t really happen. How many of you believed I really said that?

the house saga continues

2006-05-29T11:17:00.000-05:00

So what once seemed off may now be on.

I went with my parents to see a lawyer who proposed a very fair solution that I thought should be satisfactory to all.

I went with kcprogrammer to walk through the house again and sit and think. Could I see myself living here? Could I make this work? I think I could.

But there still seems to be at least one objector from the family. OK, objector is a bit harsh. Wrench thrower may be more accurate.

But I'm trying not to worry about it anymore. What happens happens. If it works out, I think this could be good for me. If it falls through, well, oh well.

Part of the push for this new philosophy in my life is the bad acid refux attack I had on Saturday. I missed the two weddings and the graduation party of the day. And got to take a ride to urgent care, care of kcprogrammer. It was the worst pain I've ever felt. The doctor says that I may be developing an ulcer. I need to cut down on my stress.

I wonder if that can wait until after this house thing has been resolved and after we replace the girl who just quit on my magazine.

i love not having

2006-05-22T11:28:00.000-05:00

I love my apartment.
I love not having a yard to mow.
I love not having to pay for repairs.
I love not having to listen to dogs barking in neighbors’ backyards.
I love not having to commit to staying in one place long term.
I love not having a house. OK, well we all know that's not true.

But it doesn't look like this house-buying thing is going to happen. So, I'm back to my old two-year plan. And I'm back to the present, in which I live in an apartment and where I'd like to be content to live out at least another year and a half (if I stick with the plan).

And perhaps that's best. I'm young, and much can happen in a year and a half.

i'm a winner

2006-05-15T13:38:00.000-05:00

I just found out that I was selected as a winner in a scholarship competition I entered. The scholarship pays for me to attend a national conference that I'd really wanted to go to (but feared was too expensive to persuade my boss to pay my way). I'm going to Chicago. WooHoo!

The other reasons why I feel like a winner:

I was honored by the group of friends who gathered to celebrate my birthday with me on Saturday.
I found a good, soft bed at a ridiculously cheap price. (Really, if you need a bed, go to Sleep World. And if you tell them that I sent you, we can split a discount.) And I slept the night through, which is such a treat for me. (And thanks to my family for the birthday checks that make this bed purchase even more affordable for me.)
I had such a pleasant birthday and Mother's Day with my family (thanks, Dad, for the delicious meal at Longhorn) and with kcprogrammer's family.
I cleaned my cubicle on Friday. And, today, one side of my desk is filled with birthday treats from co-workers. Oh, and I'm caught up on my work for the most part, which feels good. (Although, I see a rushed deadline on the horizon. Sigh.)
I'm simply feeling happy. I think it's this solid sleep I'm getting. I sure hope it keeps up.

I'm feeling modivated, like I want to set out and accomplish something.

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
—Frank Tibolt

update: birthday

2006-05-11T15:03:00.000-05:00

So, my birthday is on Sunday (along with mother's day and my maternal grandmother's birthday). My friends are invited to come by Fred P. Otts on Saturday evening to celebrate with me.

I like this plan. People can stop by and then go when they please. And I don't have to be stressed about cleaning my apartment or the mess that will be left behind. And I can leave and go to bed when I please. It's a good thing, especially considering that I need to be bright and cheery for the next day's birthday-Mother's Day lunch.

Oh, and I found out that my family will be adding a new birthday to our calendars at the beginning of the next year. My cousin and his wife are having a baby. It's really quite exciting. The youngest in our family is 20, so we've been sans baby for quite some time.

This is the second oldest of the cousins (I'm the oldest). He's the first — and so far only — of us to get married. Now, he'll be the first to have kids.

He'll make a good dad. And his wife, I can see her being such a great mom. She has this amazing warmth and accepting patience with others.

I'm happy for them. (I just hope it doesn't put any ideas in my mom's head about how long she'll have to do without the title of Grandma. OK, it's just plain weird to think of my mom as a grandmother.)

And continuing on the baby note: Congrats also go out to my roomie's sister who we just found out is taking her second trip down to babytown.

update: bed

2006-05-11T15:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't been sleeping well with my old mattress on the floor, so I decided the time had come to find a new one. The problem is that I like soft, and soft doesn't come cheap.

After much debating between a good deal on a really expensive bed (so now it's just expensive) and a extremely expensive bed (which will be more comfortable long term), I went to Mattress Firm to buy the cheaper one.

But the woman who was supposed to be holding it for me wasn't there. The guy who was said he couldn't find any evidence of a hold or even that mattress at that price.

Annoyed, I went back to pondering the wonderful, big-money sleep number bed. I'd almost decided to get it, when — at the suggestion of a co-worker who'd gotten her mattress at the same place — I called for one last check.

I got the woman I'd worked with before. She had the mattress on hold for me still. The man I spoke with, it seams, treats his own customers right, but not hers. This isn't the first time that he couldn't find something that she had placed on hold. (I really didn't care to hear about their internal squabbles and politics, but at least my bed was still there.)

So, I had to redecide to recommit to buying this bed. I did, but not happily. I was kind of liking the excuse to go and buy the expensive mattress, and I didn't want the dream to die. But I agreed to buy the cheaper one. Then — I love how rationalization works — I figured that, if I still really wanted that sleep number bed in a few years, I could get it (because, hopefully, I won't be as strapped for cash) and make the other bed into a guest bed.

This solution automatically gave me a 75 percent level of contentment with my decision. I expect this number to fluctuate a bit over the next week or so, but to level out at about 80 percent.

Had I gone the other way, I could have rationalized myself to a similar contentment level with my decision to spend twice as much money. (In the long run it's cheaper to buy the terrificffic mattress now then to buy another that you'll only have to replace at an additional cost.)

update: house

2006-05-11T14:32:00.000-05:00

My mom and I met with the house inspector today. I didn't get to stay for the whole thing, but what I heard wasn't all good.

The big bad: the electrical. The wiring is either really old or shoddily done new and is just spliced into the old 60-amp breaker (they were supposed to have put in a 100 amp). He seemed pretty concerned about that. As he looked in the breaker box, I think he might have thought it would start a fire right there, before his eyes.

Also with the electrical, only the kitchen has grounded three-pronged outlets. The rest is the old-fashioned, will-blow-out-your-electronics, two-pronged kind. The upgrade in the kitchen was supposed to include an upgrade to a 100-watt breaker, but it doesn't seem that the shoddy workmen actually did that. They also neglected to return to raise the outside electrical line to its proper 10-foot height. It hangs in a low diagonal across the backyard.