damnit don

Yesterday, I sent an e-mail to Roger, a long-time advisory board member. This morning, I received a reply. That began off topic:

Side note: I spoke to Don --- last night. He said that as long as there was Spring I would make it if I continued writing. I think that is one of the greatest compliments a person can receive and wanted you to know that I feel the same way. As you know Don has been my friend for many years and the one who has ‘pushed’ me to write for ----- more than anyone. AND for him to hold you at that level of esteem warms my heart.

So my eyes are getting a bit blurry at this point. And my vision worsens as I try to write a response. Then my boss comes out of a meeting and forwards me a message she'd received from Roger. It ended like this:

We discussed the back page. I told him I would think about it if we couldn’t find someone who had a more ‘refined’ sense of sarcasm than I do—he liked that. He suggested we have Spring ghost write the back page—I thought you might pass that on to Spring—What a compliment.

On to the full waterworks.

I'm deeply touched. As an editor my job is to be invisible to the reader. It sometimes makes me feel small. And Don is one of the famous elite in the veterinary profession. He's their practice management guru. For me to have even hit his radar—I'm profoundly touched.

My boss said that they've had to put folding chairs in Don's room for all the people coming to visit him. He says that he's been able to get more done in a week than he had been able to in 30 years. Nobody disagrees with a dying man. That's so Don. Refusing treatment, but continuing do as much work and living as he can possibly fit in.

I'm honored, and I'm sad.

quarter century

It's my roomie's quarter century birthday on the 18th. To celebrate, we'll be gathering at the Fiorella's Jack Stack by lizalou42's home. But don't come on Thursday, we won't be there. But we will at 7 p.m. on Saturday. Afterward, I believe there will be merry making of some kind (and, I hope, a merry Mary).

Cheers!

crush

I'm an editor. I edit lots of different writers. I play favorites. My favorite is Don, a 70-something management consultant, who's contributed to our magazine for longer than any of us can remember and been a treasured member of our advisory B\board for almost as long. He's humorous, he's funny, and he's old enough to get to say whatever he likes in his back page columns. And I get the pleasure of editing them. It's my favorite edit of the month. I get to play up his sarcasm and his loving admonishments. And when I send him his edited article for approval, he always calls me within the hour. He tells me that, when he reads his column, he laughs. "A writer really shouldn't laugh at their own stuff. You did a great job with this," he'll tell me. He always gives me too much credit. But it feels good to know that he appreciate the care I give his writings. I really do little. Mostly, I allow Don's personality to shine through wherever possible. It's my favorite call of the month.

But this month it was different. I didn't get a call the day I sent him his column for review. The next day, I wasn't at work when Don called. He left his comments and changes with my boss. Last week I sent him an approval for another department I was working on. He called. He said it looked good. He coughed and said he thought he had the flu. It wasn't the flu. My boss told me today that when Don went to the doctor yesterday, he was diagnosed with a rapidly progressing form of leukemia. The doctors said he'd be lucky to make it to the end of the year. The doctors said and my heart hurts.

I've broken probably every one of our copyright rules, but here's his July column.

Listen to the best or fail with the rest
In the 40 years I’ve observed and worked with this profession, there hasn’t been much improvement. And I look back with a certain regret. There was a time when I thought I could do more for the profession than I have.

Sure, some of you make a very good living and enjoy a fulfilling personal life. And although it’s somewhat comforting to know that I’ve helped a few, as a whole I think veterinarians and their teams are still grossly underpaid. Perhaps I was naïve to think I could help you all earn more money and enjoy a better life.

In the past, I’ve tried to encourage you gently, avoiding any hint of sarcasm. However, this approach hasn’t worked as well as I hoped. Because of the urgency of my task and my limited time remaining, I’ve decided to take a new tack. So enough kind, gentle, political correctness. Let’s talk about the real cause behind the dismal state of this profession’s economics.

You were taught to fail
Both success and failure are learned behaviors. Successful veterinarians were taught to be financially successful. Underpaid practitioners were taught to fail. It’s as simple as that.

For example, some mentors taught that clients don’t want or won’t pay for topnotch care. They used statements like, “This is good to know, but of course you won’t use it much in practice,” or one of my favorites, “When you’re new in practice, you’ll probably do more diagnostic testing than is really necessary, but you’ll eventually acquire the experience you need to do fewer, more-specific tests, saving the clients money.” What a crock.

However, before you blame your teachers and mentors, you need to acknowledge your involvement in the process. When you were told, “You’ll never get rich practicing veterinary medicine,” did you ask why? If you did, did you challenge the answer you received? Did you point out that some veterinarians do succeed financially?

Now learn to win
I’m not suggesting that you question authority, but I am strongly suggesting that you question those who claim to be authorities, especially if they have nothing positive to say about a situation. The fact that someone’s done something wrong for more years than you have doesn’t make his or her strategy right.

You learn to win from winners and you learn to whine from whiners. So choose teachers and mentors who provide positive guidance and thoughtful answers when you challenge them.

The hard truth: Your current career and life are the result of your past choices. You based those choices on information you received from teachers and mentors. So the first and most-important choices you made were who and what to believe.

Here’s my advice: When an instructor talks about practice, as kindly and gently as possible inquire about his or her success in practice. Learn medicine from people who teach medicine and learn to practice from successful practitioners. Question authorities, especially self-proclaimed experts—even me. And in the future, please pay attention. I don’t have that many more years to nag you, and I might not always be so gentle.

what the frell?

So Moore trouncing Kovach like the little overly conservative bug he is was nice. But the rest of this picture is looking pretty darn gloomy to me. More Bush to suffer through. And 11 states passed constitutional amendments to ban gay marriage (some even went so far as to ban same-sex civil unions and lay the foundation to prevent same-sex partners from receiving healthcare benefits—and that's just gay hate). Why don't they understand this isn't the solution? I'm sorry, but marriage is a religious institution that we've dressed up in the clothes of legality—the same way we've done with almost every moral issue. On the news this morning, they said that the biggest concern for voters was moral values (22 percent). And of that group, two-thirds voted for Bush. No surprise, I guess. But my point is that this election wasn't won because we're in the middle of the war. This election wasn't won by the candidate based on his strong economic record. This election was won by the man who was protecting moral values.

Moral values. What does that mean? It seems to mean anti-gay and anti-abortion. Now, I'm not going to touch the rightness or the wrongness of either of these issues, my point is that Kerry is being judged as immoral just because he's not fighting the conservative Christian cause to protect the sanctity of marriage and the unborn in government. And the passage of those 11 constitutional amendments show just how afraid we are. I grew up believing in a country that my mother explained was created by men of strong faith (read: Christian faith) who didn't want separation between church and state. I saw no divide between the moral, ethical, and legal.

Preventing same-sex partners isn't going to protect the sanctity of marriage. Straight couples are already running it into the ground on their own. The issue is simply a smokescreen. It takes our focus away from the true issues that degrade the value of marriage in this country, and, more important, it gives politicians an avenue of diversion away from the present issues. Why discuss the messy, harsh realities of a draw-out war, crumbling social security, patchy healthcare coverage, and failing schools when there are such polarizing, cut-and-dry issues as gay marriage and abortion?

I have no close to this rant, just simply frustration to end on.

Ugh.

reason no. 472 to quit my job

Time to fill out your self-evaluation. Remember, if you don't answer these asinine questions and sign your name in blood, you won't get your crappy 2 percent raise.

1. List significant goals and achievements that you accomplished in 2004.

I finally found the guts to apply for a new job

2. Describe the behaviors you have exhibited in establishing, reaching, and exceeding business goals and making a positive contribution to the success of your department and the company. How can you improve next year?

I'm doing all that I can do, but that will never be enough, and I'll never be rewarded or recognized for my efforts.

3. Describe your success in establishing positive relationships with customers and anticipating, meeting, and exceeding their needs and expectations? Customers may either be internal or external.

They love me! The advisory board members and authors I work with rave about me. And I answer every single reader question that comes into this place no matter how inane.

4. Describe the techniques that you use to stay positive and "solutions" oriented. If you have a tendency to focus more on “the problem” without taking ownership for the outcome, what can you do to improve?

This is most definitely a trick question. My answer will either confirm my incompetence or that I'm a liar.

5. What are your strengths and weaknesses in terms of communication, adaptability, flexibility, time management, and technical business skills?

My boss thinks I'm a fuckup. What more do you need?

6. What positive or negative attributes do you exhibit in taking responsibility for continuous improvement, admitting and resolving mistakes, and honoring commitments? What could you do differently?

So far, my only response has looked like a big fat turd.

7. Suggest two 2004 business related or professional developmental goals for yourself that would either enhance your business knowledge/skills or directly contribute to the success of your department or the company.

A raise would do wonders and maybe a little appreciation. I'd be a much better worker with them.

8. Add any additional information that may be beneficial to your manager in completing your 2004 performance appraisal.

Ugh.

i demand a recount

I lost the Halloween costume contest at work. Apparently my handmade winged ensemble, though comparable to the Victory of Samothrace, cannot compete with a dog wearing a crown and a king's robe.

For reference, here's Victory of Samothrace and my competition

vs.

And of course, at my work, the dog took home the crown.

We also had a pumpkin carving competition.
It was a close race between

and .

But in the end, Kerry took it. (Don't hate me; I voted for Bush on this one. Don't worry, it won't happen again!)

A small, personal victory: I applied for a job. Not that I'll get it. Not that things won't work out here. But I did it. I gave myself an option.

crystal ball

I finally stepped outside of my petty problems. I immersed myself in my roommate's sister's wedding (with a little cookie baking on the side).

I've been trying to force my future. I've been trying to predict what lies ahead.

And as I watched two loving parents walk their young daughter down the aisle, I was reminded of how uncertain the future remains. Will they make it? Will they beat the odds against them? I hope so.

Then, this morning, my lizzy lou sent me a picture that brought my thoughts together nicely.

If you believe that your destiny is decided, then most likely, it's decided. If you believe that nothing is decided, then most likely, nothing is decided. —Yoko, xxxHolic

blindness for sore eyes

Heavy. The load feels heavy. The world feels heavy.
The big events crush me.
The many little ones cripple me.
What gets me by is holding on to the random little nothings.
They're slipping through my fingers.
My grasp is weak.
My spirit is tired.
I'm begging for the world to stop, for time to halt, just for a moment, just so I can get my bearings.

And I feel so petty.
My worries are so small, so insignificant.
And yet there is little more substantive in my life, so my little worries cast enveloping shadows.
My world is small. My thoughts revolve around me. Selfish.
I worry. I sabotage my efforts. I sabotage others efforts to help me.

All this to say, I'm a little down today as I was yesterday as I probably will be tomorrow.

american tv

Text message from a friend:

Oh my god. They r showin the fifth wheel on national tv. Never thought I would see tt show again after leavin us. – mayb I will have hope for tradin spaces.

The Fifth Wheel? Good grief, that crap couldn’t get a legitimate time spot on a network in the United States and that’s the show the suits who control Singaporean TV chose to bring over. Sigh.

mock debate

ring, ring
KERRY: (picks up phone) This is John.
BUSH: Hiya there, Johnny, how ya doin'?
KERRY: Fine, thank you. I hope you and Laura are well.
BUSH: Just dandy, thanks. Hey, look, about this debate thing tomorrow…
KERRY: I thought our people had worked out all of those details already.
BUSH: Well, yeah, they have. It's just, um, whadda planning on wearing?
KERRY: Excuse me?
BUSH: It's just I can't decide. I've been staring into my closet, and I just can't seem to make up my mind. Everything just goes kinda blurry like, ya know?
KERRY: Actually, no, I don't believe I'm following you. (pause) Have you asked Laura or your daughters help?
BUSH: Naw, the gals are out shoppin' and stuff.
KERRY: Alright, maybe we can help each other out on this. We'll both wear black suits and white shirts. Now, as for the ties, my aids say metallic colors are in style, but I did want to wear one and it clash with yours. I have both a red one and a blue one. I was going to wear the red tie and then if you showed up wearing a red tie, I would change mine to the blue. Instead, I'll send the blue one to you.
BUSH: Well that's mighty kind of you, Johnny, but I was hankerin' to wear a red tie. The red tie is a bit stronger and authoritative and stuff.
KERRY: Well, how about if after this debate we trade, and I'll wear the blue tie next week. And we can even wear those little American flag pins on our left lapels.
BUSH: Geez. That sounds peachy, Johnny. And, no offense, but this is the debate that I least need the red tie. I'm my best and strongest when it comes to this international stuff. Like, I was just talkin' wid Putin earlier today—he's such a good guy that Putin. I'll get him to come around one day.
KERRY: Right, good to know. Look, if there's nothing else—
BUSH: Naw, nothin' else, 'cept what shoes you plannin' on wearin'?