time flies

I leave for Chicago in two days. There is so much to get done before then. I have a running mental list (and am sure to forget half of its contents).

One thing I didn't forget this morning was finding my flight itinerary so that I could send it to kcprogrammer. He had kindly volunteered to take his girlfriend to the airport for her flight on Wednesday morning. Except when I looked to check the exact time, this is what I saw: 7:05PM. Shite.

kcprogrammer even had to read it a second time before he notice the error. Now what?

My choices:

• Fly out at 7:05pm and miss out on a reception where I'd meet the other scholarship winners, the organizations board members and staff, and conference speakers. There was even a chance that I could go to the national board meeting and talk about my chapter's blog. And I was going to try to fit in a wee bit of sightseeing.
• Pay $151 to change my flight to 7:40am. Um, no.
  
• Fly standby and risk the boredom of a day spent at KCI and the chance that my butt could still be on that 7pm flight.
• Call three hours in advance of the flight I want to get advance standby. Confirmation price: $25. First flight out (and probably the most likely to have open seats): 6:20am. Three hour call ahead time: 3:20am. Ugh.
  

So, I'm feeling understandably brilliant this morning.

a day's difference

OK, so Thursday kinda sucked. Friday in contrast was great.

The family stuff calmed down a bit.

At work, we met with a new hire who's going to be taking over a nice chunk of our web duties. I am so happy. I was about to drown with rolling out three newsletters a week along with my regular duties. And then I found out that it was my day to take summer hours (and leave work at 1pm). I owe my thanks to the editor who took care of a task for me that afternoon. And before I left, our company fed us free pizza.

And it was my nine-month anniversary with kcprogrammer. Cheesy, maybe, but it makes me happy. He brought me some gorgeous roses and treated me to a lovely dinner. And the weather was good, so we walked to Blockbuster.

family wear and tear

It's been a busy week.

I worked 11 straight hours yesterday. My very empty stomach was grateful for the Maui Express my roomie and YellowDancer picked up for me.

I also got a troubling email from my uncle and a call from my mom. It's stuff about my grandma and the sale of her house. But what I think it's really about is power. There's a tug of war for control right now in my family. And I'm sad. Everyone is acting how each thinks is best. But the ideas of "best" counter each other and create friction.

I've been thinking about family a lot lately.

One of the morning shows on the radio was talking about a dating website that is targeted at married people. The host was basically talking about how cool of an idea it was and how he'd love to get with a rich, married woman. And my heart hurt.

My roomie and I watched an episode of Bridezillas the other night. The show followed two brides as they prepared for their weddings. Now the show works hard to cherry pick the craziest of the crazy for the best emotional explosions, but I think these women offer magnified views of our culture's warped sense of weddings and married life. And I'm including both Christians and secularists into this culture, so don't think you're exempt for some reason. We're all warped.

Even if we try not to be, we're still affected by consumer culture. We're hungry for more, for what's different than what we currently have, for what's more expensive than what the person next to you has, for what "better," for more power, for power over others.

And it subtly seeps in to our decisions. We may be able to explain or support our positions without reference to our inner greed, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. And the more we ignore it, the more we hide the true source of our actions, the more difficult we make it to align our goals with others.

i smell swimmingly

Things may not be going swimmingly right now, as I am about to drown in the work before me. But I do smell like chlorine. It's amazing how that can linger on the skin and in hair.

Anyway, if someone with CPR certification would please stand by...

bashing fox 4 news

Not that it's hard to find reason to criticize WDAF-TV, but I really didn't understand just how horrible the reporting is. Two recent Fox 4 stories were riddled with errors. I have two people close to me who knew the real facts involved. The inaccuracies in both these stories are so numerous that there is no element of news left. It's storytelling. It's filling news space—of which Fox 4 has a lot to fill.

And I know that the Fox 4 team is working on a tight budget. And I know that they have to spit out news lightning fast. But really, people, you need to actually check your facts. Just because one kid tells you something doesn't make it news. Did you ask anyone else what happened? Did you contact the company for an official response? Did you actually see the police report or talk to the government official? Did you bother to recheck your facts before running an update news piece. No? No. And it's the viewers who are being misled.

This morning I caught a piece where a Fox 4 reporter was standing outside some education building in Kansas City, Mo. Now this "on location" shoot gives the report an air of more credibility to the TV audience, it has nothing to do with her gathering the facts of the story. She had no actual reason to be standing there. She hadn't interviewed anyone on the school board about the new superintendent. She hadn't gone there to receive any information first hand. The news she reported came from no work on her part, or on the part of Fox 4. She merely reported "according to The Kansas City Star."

On the TV show, "How I Met Your Mother," there's a scene where two of the characters make fun of a morning show host who actually reads the morning paper to his audience. Maybe Fox 4 should actually think of doing this. Doing so may put their audience to sleep, but at least the fiction can return to its proper home: the stuff of dreams and nightmares.

up, down, all around

I wanted to make a post for you all. I wanted to give you a little glimpse into my busy life and offer an excuse as to my infrequent posting and the lengthening lapse of time between the time I see or talk with many of you.

But when I tried to do so, all my little activities seemed quite boring. Now if one is not busy, one looks lazy. And a lazy person who does nothing should be a boring person. But I think it's really the busy person who's boring because he or she is rushing through a sea of tasks, chores, and have-tos.

There's a saying about keeping always busy so that the devil will find you always engaged. But if the devil can't find an entry point into your life, neither will anyone else. When one becomes busy, the larger world becomes hidden.

I've been thinking about that drive to do more, accomplish more, achieve more lately. This morning I came across the following quote. Maybe this one struck me because kcprogrammer and I watched "Click" last night, bringing out thoughts about the family-work balance.

People are so busy dreaming the American Dream, fantasizing about what they could be or have a right to be, that they’re all asleep at the switch. Consequently we are living in the Age of Human Error.
—Florence King

Side note: At first, I found the moral lesson of putting family first in "Click" kind of odd. This was an Adam Sandler comedy. Then I thought back to some of his other movies. Many of them share a common theme of a guy who's off track or who doesn't understand what his life needs or is missing. I'm still trying to decide if this disturbs me.

And it has me thinking about the "lessons" taught to us through other comedies. Maybe I'll wait to make my decision until I see what Jack Black tries teach me about life in "Nacho Libre."

back from beantown

Well after the last post, I realized that some of you might think that something bad happened while I was away. No, the trip to Boston was good. I'm good. Most things in my life are good.

But there is always the thorn. Such a little thing a thorn. But such pain it can cause. Why is it that one flaw can draw one's attention away from the otherwise beautiful state of a thing?

I know my eye is drawn away from the good and to the problem spots. I know I waste my time worrying over the little bad and cheat myself of enjoying all the good.

OK, back to focusing on the good. The weather was fine in Boston last week. I roamed around the city, mostly on foot, and spent two days in the Boston Museum of Fine Arts. And I ate lots of yummy food, though kcprogrammer and I agree that the baked beans really aren't deserving of their fame.

I'm working on a freelance project right now. But when I have some time, I'll post pictures from the trip.

quote

Life improves slowly and goes wrong fast, and only catastrophe is clearly visible.
—Edward Teller

drat, i wanted that

Official word: No house for me.

I wonder if I would be as disappointed had I found this out a month ago.

I wouldn't have spent the energy to investigate and measure.
I wouldn't have lost all that sleep.
I wouldn't have reworked my finances time and a gain, perfecting, balancing, aligning.
I wouldn't have traveled the up and down emotional roller coaster from the highs of being told that this is almost assured to happen to the many wrenches to the many versions of the plan.

I wouldn't have the knowledge and self-assurance.

Yes, I'm disappointed, but I feel more confident about myself. I realized that I could handle the responsibilities that come with owning a home.

Yes, I suspected that I could take on the challenge. But I've always allowed myself to hide behind any hint of immaturity to avoid facing my adulthood. This experience flooded my field of view with light, eliminating the looming shadows created by the remnants of irresponsibility and leaving few places for hiding.

And now I wonder why it was that I was hiding.

Through this process, I have better defined what I want for myself. It may take me longer than I'd like to get there. But with my newly acquired understanding of myself, I can now work on another needed personality trait: patience.

A quartet of quotes on disappointment:

Hope tells a flattering tale,
Delusive, vain, and hollow.
Ah! let not hope prevail,
Lest disappointment follow
—Miss Wrother

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy—the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.
—Eric Hoffer

Disappointment, when it involves neither shame nor loss, is as good as success; for it supplies as many images to the mind, and as many topics to the tongue.
—Samuel Johnson

Disappointment proves that expectations were mistaken.
—Mason Cooley

i'm not a pauper or a beggar

OK, I'm not sure what's going on with this house thing now. Apparently the realtor is telling my grandma that she could sell the house for $20k more than we were valuing the house at (including the needed repairs).

So, of course, everything that was in place is now out of place.

My grandma is one of those people who, when presented with one new piece of information, must go back and reconsider every other thought she's had on the issue. I can't judge her on this; I am pretty much the same way.

I would like for this to work. But if it doesn't, it doesn't. No expectations. I know my grandma will feel guilty if she decides to put the house for sale. There's even talk of her still giving me money toward buy another house.

I don't want it. I don't want guilt money. I'm not poor. I'm not in need. I have a good life. I buy what I need. I save as much as I can. And I'm doing just fine.

I love gifts and opportunities that are offered freely from the heart. I treasure them. I am thankful for them. But things given out of guilt (which I am guilty of doing) are false. And in taking them, one takes on the guilt. And while the intent is different, such gift giving presents many of the same problems as manipulative giving, which involves hidden emotional strings and commitments. I've fallen into the trap of accepting these before, not realizing them for what they were. This is a danger zone for relationships.

Now, in my (oh-so-unbiased) opinion, the realtor is bettering her estimate in an attempt to snag the deal. She could get almost $10k from the sell of the house. (Thanks for kcprogrammer for the math here. And he reminded me not to forget the $$ due to the buyer's realtor, which the seller usually pays for as well.) And the realtor knows that my grandma was considering selling the house to me, and so it's understandable that she'd be putting on the pressure to keep this from slipping through her fingers. How much would you do for a quick $10k?