what part of "no" don't i understand?

In 2002, I was told I was great, but I was rejected.
In 2005, I was told I would have been perfect, but told I was too late.
In 2007, I was told I would be wonderful, but told I wasn't experienced.
In 2008, I was told I was impressive, but apparently, not the right fit.

All four rejections came from the same person.

In 2002, I was told it was a sure thing. It wasn't, and I was crushed.
In 2005, I missed my opportunity because my head was somewhere else.
In 2007, I was rejected early, but then the rejecter had to settle for less.
In 2008, I came in expecting little given the history, yet confident in my abilities.

My only thought: Her loss.

schrödinger's cat

So last night on "The Big Bang Theory" Sheldon used the paradox of Schrödinger's cat to explain the current state of Penny and Leonard's relationship as being unobserved so therfore both alive and dead at the same time. Schrödinger developed this theory to illustrate a proble in quantum mechanics.

Here are the basics from WhatIs.com:

We place a living cat into a steel chamber, along with a device containing a vial of hydrocyanic acid. There is, in the chamber, a very small amount of a radioactive substance. If even a single atom of the substance decays during the test period, a relay mechanism will trip a hammer, which will, in turn, break the vial and kill the cat. The observer cannot know whether or not an atom of the substance has decayed, and consequently, cannot know whether the vial has been broken, the hydrocyanic acid released, and the cat killed. Since we cannot know, the cat is both dead and alive according to quantum law, in a superposition of states. It is only when we break open the box and learn the condition of the cat that the superposition is lost, and the cat becomes one or the other (dead or alive). This situation is sometimes called quantum indeterminacy or the observer's paradox: the observation or measurement itself affects an outcome, so that the outcome as such does not exist unless the measurement is made. (That is, there is no single outcome unless it is observed.)

So why am I going on about this? I think we all keep things closed up in boxes. As long as it's in the box, there is no outcome. Until we open the box, we have the safety of knowing that our dream might be alive. We also live with the stress and fear that it might be dead. But we hesitate to open the box. As long as the box stays closed, we don't have to confront the possiblility of death.

The don't act because I fear the result of my action will be failure instead of success. As long as I don't act, failure is kept at bay and success is still a possibility.

I don't ask because I fear the truth may be contrary to my desired answer. As long as I don't ask, my favorable outcome still exists as a possiblity--though it doesn't truly change the answer.

I have a life full of metaphorically boxed up cats. It's time to open up the boxes and see which ones are alive and scratching.

regarding this and that

This week I found myself in a reflective mode for two conflicting purposes. On one hand, I was considering the trouble spots in my life, what I want to focus on changing. On the other hand, I was trying to highlight my best assets and accomplishments for someone whom I had not had contact with in several years.

The old me, the new me, the troubled me, the successful me, the sick me, the pessimist me, the hopeful me, the bad me, the good me, the up me, the down me, the friendly me, the cranky me, all came crashing together. The combined total is the me in progress.

I've been frustrated, down and a bit reclusive lately. I've been overworked and stressed out. And you'd think all of this introspection would only serve to magnify this. Refreshingly, the opposite has occurred.

I found out that my past might present a stumbling block for my future. And nothing about what was frustrating me or getting me down has changed. But woke up this morning and realize that I've changed. The control is out of my hands, so there is no point to worrying. I will take the opportunities that come and make the best of them and not waste my time fretting over how things could be if X, Y and Z happened or didn't happen or happened differently.

So the me in progress is currently thinking: That was then, and this is now. That resulted in this, but that is no more. This is what stands in its place, and this is good.

spring rain

I walked out from work. I breathed in deeply, and thought, "It smells like spring." And, no, I'm not talking about my BO after a hard day's work. I'm talking about that other spring--that wonderful season that is bursting outside.

The ground was wet from and everything had that hyper-color that only seems to happen after a spring rain. The world around me is getting a fresh start, renewing life.

It happens every year. It's new, yet it's all the same. And that's life.

I take that back. Instead, it's all the same, yet it's new. Yeah, I like it that way better.

worker bee buzz

I have homework to do, but I'm drained of creativity.
I have a trip to ready myself for, but my mind is too restless.
I have a life to live, and it's being derailed by frustration.

This was going to be a post about how amazing KU performed.
This was going to be a post that reflected on KU after Roy Williams.
Roy listening to the Rock Chalk Jayhawk that was not for him.
Roy at the championship game with a Jayhawk sticker on his chest.
I hope that fans have drank their last out of the hater-aide well.
And I hope Bill stays at KU. I love his balanced attitude toward the game.

I was going to be lively and witty in my post. But not now. Now I'm on to a new worry--well an old worry magnified.

See, it's no secret that I dislike working for corporate America.
It's no secret that I'm frustrated by how my industry is being managed by the guys in the suits.
Basically, they're looking to squeeze water out of a sponge before they even dunk it in the water bucket. Then they blame the sponge. There is nothing wrong with the sponge.

I'm underpaid and overworked. Tomorrow I get my annual review, and my boss knew the top item on my agenda was a long overdue promotion. And then today the top dog of the company passed down a degree--a hiring and pay freeze. I still get my annual review (gee, thanks) but no pay raise, and talk of a promotion is definitely off the table. But, oh yeah, I still get to work my ass off at this trade show next week.

It's so frustrating. A freeze like this means your good workers will either leave or be come poor workers due to burnout. That may save you money in the short term, but it must really be costly long term.

But according to my boss, it could be worse. They aren't laying anyone off, yet, at least. "At least we have our jobs," I was told. Comforting thought.

So, I'm looking for a new job. I wish I could just write on cover letters "I'm fabulous. Hire me and see for yourself." And I'm looking to take on more freelance work. One day I'm going to toss the suits and work solely for myself.

food fight

Came across an interesting video. It's the history of war since WWII told with food.

Mr. Hassig and Mr. Smith, I really did pay attention in my History classes, but I think I need a refresher course. And maybe a few meals at less American-centric restaurants.



In case I fumbled up embedding the video link, here's the website: http://tv.boingboing.net.

tummy troubles, again

So I'm up when I should be sleeping. Darn this stomach of mine. Acid reflux, intestinal gas, food poisoning, diarrhea, whatever, I just want whatever this is to go away. Leave me along. Stop messing up my sleep at nights. Stop costing me an arm and a leg at the pharmacy. Please, stop, now. I'm tired.

don't drop the soap!

So last night Kathleen Sebelius gave a good speech--though sadly lacked any sort of emotion--in response to Pres. Bush's State of the Union address. I read in the Star that some were considering her as a possible presidential running mate because of her bipartisan skills.

The more interesting story, though, involves her 23-year-old son, who's turned a school project into a product to sell. It's a board game called "Don't Drop the Soap." Familiar with that sage advise for prison inmates? Well prison is setting for this board game. You can even use a bag of coke as your game piece to move around the board.

Here's the description from the site:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse's desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

Read the article in the KC Star here.

See the kid's website here.

in the tickle booth

TickleBooth has rounded up the Oscar-nominated animated shorts for our viewing pleasure: http://ticklebooth.com/2008/01/watch-the-oscar-nominated-animated-shorts-online-2/#comment-61797.

I haven't had time to watch any of them yet, but they look cool.

i don't do sales

I'm looking for a new job. If it involves me trying to coerce someone else to buy something, I don't want it. But what else is out there?

For those wondering, I don't hate my job. I just need a job with the potenial for more pay and better benefits. My roomie is leaving for wifehood in eight months, and then the apartment and all the bills will be 100 percent mine.