staying relevant

My mind is always filled with the next set of problems that I need to find solutions to. Then, once those are taken care of, I gather up new problems to replace them.

So, when people talk to me, I talk about what I'm thinking about, which is usually the problem that's taken over my thoughts. I really must be a downer of a person to talk to, always complaining, always troubled, always trying to figure out how to solve the problem du jour.

Lately, of course, the issue currently enveloping me is that I've very unhappy with my job. There is no future for me where I am. And I'm uncertain as to where I need to focus my efforts to make sure that I survive what I believe to be a massive restructuring of print media in the years to come.

And as I look at the future for my boss, my dad, my uncle—all long timers at their companies, all unsure as to whether their companies will recognize and honor their decades of service or kick them to the curb with few employment options for men nearing the age of retirement—I'm reminded that we are in a new employment age where no one is safe.

You are a cost center. Make sure you keep up your skills and abilities so you can prove you're a cost worth keeping. And try to horde some money away, because you do not have job security. How are you going to make sure you are relevant in your career when you are 55? It tires me just thinking about it.

leaving, again

So I'm off early tomorrow morning for hot, hot Houston. My cousin is getting married, and I'm taking three days off of work to join in the festivities. (And considering the current foul mood my boss has been in, I'll be glad to be away.)

facing a new reality

Life is change; I get that. The industry I work in is changing rapidly. Aspects of my personal life are changing even more rapidly.

There is a difference between knowing that change will happen and taking those changes head on.

After discussions that I've had recently, I realized that I am not equipped for the future of my profession. The ship I'm on is sinking, as are those around me. Before that happens, I need to get a life raft. Practicing my swimming wouldn't hurt either.

this is the week

This could, quite possibly, be one of the most important, stress-filled weeks of my life.

There was a weekend of shopping and preparing. Thanks to Kat and AH for their assistance acquiring the last-minute essentials.

There is today's meeting. I woke up at 3am after having a series of very odd dreams involving my failure to make an important element for the meeting work. Thanks to my roomie for straightening my hair.

There is the cold that came to visit me last week and hasn't gotten the hint that it's time to move on to new pastures. Just when I'm needing to be my most professional, I'm stuck with a cold that invloves sniffling and sneezing.

There is the big banquet. Me present the awards? Ahh! Oh, right, I'm the one who assigned myself that task. Good going... I'm guessing more sleepless nights to come for me before this event. If it fails, it's all my fault. No pressure.

There is the two-day conference. I hope the sessions I'm helping to coordinate don't suck. I hope I can introduce a speaker without becoming a bumbling mess. I hope I can dig up some freelance work.

There is book club. Yay! A break from it all.

There is the freelance project due at week's end. I only need to find 10 hours of freetime and I'll be golden...

Oh and then there's the pesky little thing of my day job, and needing to get my to take care of five days of work in only two.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. (I hope repeating this works in real life like it did for The Little Engine That Could.)

going, going, gone to orlando

I'm off to the great, hot land that is Orlando. My grandmother lived in Florida for many years, so the land of oranges and theme parks is old hat to me. And I was there last year. So why go back? Well, this time I'm going with kcprogrammer and his family. It will be the first time his mom and sisters have ever boarded a plane. It will be, I believe, their first family vacation. And I get to be part of it, and that, in my opinion, is what will truly make this trip a visit to the happiest place on earth.

what part of "no" don't i understand?

In 2002, I was told I was great, but I was rejected.
In 2005, I was told I would have been perfect, but told I was too late.
In 2007, I was told I would be wonderful, but told I wasn't experienced.
In 2008, I was told I was impressive, but apparently, not the right fit.

All four rejections came from the same person.

In 2002, I was told it was a sure thing. It wasn't, and I was crushed.
In 2005, I missed my opportunity because my head was somewhere else.
In 2007, I was rejected early, but then the rejecter had to settle for less.
In 2008, I came in expecting little given the history, yet confident in my abilities.

My only thought: Her loss.

schrödinger's cat

So last night on "The Big Bang Theory" Sheldon used the paradox of Schrödinger's cat to explain the current state of Penny and Leonard's relationship as being unobserved so therfore both alive and dead at the same time. Schrödinger developed this theory to illustrate a proble in quantum mechanics.

Here are the basics from WhatIs.com:

We place a living cat into a steel chamber, along with a device containing a vial of hydrocyanic acid. There is, in the chamber, a very small amount of a radioactive substance. If even a single atom of the substance decays during the test period, a relay mechanism will trip a hammer, which will, in turn, break the vial and kill the cat. The observer cannot know whether or not an atom of the substance has decayed, and consequently, cannot know whether the vial has been broken, the hydrocyanic acid released, and the cat killed. Since we cannot know, the cat is both dead and alive according to quantum law, in a superposition of states. It is only when we break open the box and learn the condition of the cat that the superposition is lost, and the cat becomes one or the other (dead or alive). This situation is sometimes called quantum indeterminacy or the observer's paradox: the observation or measurement itself affects an outcome, so that the outcome as such does not exist unless the measurement is made. (That is, there is no single outcome unless it is observed.)

So why am I going on about this? I think we all keep things closed up in boxes. As long as it's in the box, there is no outcome. Until we open the box, we have the safety of knowing that our dream might be alive. We also live with the stress and fear that it might be dead. But we hesitate to open the box. As long as the box stays closed, we don't have to confront the possiblility of death.

The don't act because I fear the result of my action will be failure instead of success. As long as I don't act, failure is kept at bay and success is still a possibility.

I don't ask because I fear the truth may be contrary to my desired answer. As long as I don't ask, my favorable outcome still exists as a possiblity--though it doesn't truly change the answer.

I have a life full of metaphorically boxed up cats. It's time to open up the boxes and see which ones are alive and scratching.

regarding this and that

This week I found myself in a reflective mode for two conflicting purposes. On one hand, I was considering the trouble spots in my life, what I want to focus on changing. On the other hand, I was trying to highlight my best assets and accomplishments for someone whom I had not had contact with in several years.

The old me, the new me, the troubled me, the successful me, the sick me, the pessimist me, the hopeful me, the bad me, the good me, the up me, the down me, the friendly me, the cranky me, all came crashing together. The combined total is the me in progress.

I've been frustrated, down and a bit reclusive lately. I've been overworked and stressed out. And you'd think all of this introspection would only serve to magnify this. Refreshingly, the opposite has occurred.

I found out that my past might present a stumbling block for my future. And nothing about what was frustrating me or getting me down has changed. But woke up this morning and realize that I've changed. The control is out of my hands, so there is no point to worrying. I will take the opportunities that come and make the best of them and not waste my time fretting over how things could be if X, Y and Z happened or didn't happen or happened differently.

So the me in progress is currently thinking: That was then, and this is now. That resulted in this, but that is no more. This is what stands in its place, and this is good.

spring rain

I walked out from work. I breathed in deeply, and thought, "It smells like spring." And, no, I'm not talking about my BO after a hard day's work. I'm talking about that other spring--that wonderful season that is bursting outside.

The ground was wet from and everything had that hyper-color that only seems to happen after a spring rain. The world around me is getting a fresh start, renewing life.

It happens every year. It's new, yet it's all the same. And that's life.

I take that back. Instead, it's all the same, yet it's new. Yeah, I like it that way better.

worker bee buzz

I have homework to do, but I'm drained of creativity.
I have a trip to ready myself for, but my mind is too restless.
I have a life to live, and it's being derailed by frustration.

This was going to be a post about how amazing KU performed.
This was going to be a post that reflected on KU after Roy Williams.
Roy listening to the Rock Chalk Jayhawk that was not for him.
Roy at the championship game with a Jayhawk sticker on his chest.
I hope that fans have drank their last out of the hater-aide well.
And I hope Bill stays at KU. I love his balanced attitude toward the game.

I was going to be lively and witty in my post. But not now. Now I'm on to a new worry--well an old worry magnified.

See, it's no secret that I dislike working for corporate America.
It's no secret that I'm frustrated by how my industry is being managed by the guys in the suits.
Basically, they're looking to squeeze water out of a sponge before they even dunk it in the water bucket. Then they blame the sponge. There is nothing wrong with the sponge.

I'm underpaid and overworked. Tomorrow I get my annual review, and my boss knew the top item on my agenda was a long overdue promotion. And then today the top dog of the company passed down a degree--a hiring and pay freeze. I still get my annual review (gee, thanks) but no pay raise, and talk of a promotion is definitely off the table. But, oh yeah, I still get to work my ass off at this trade show next week.

It's so frustrating. A freeze like this means your good workers will either leave or be come poor workers due to burnout. That may save you money in the short term, but it must really be costly long term.

But according to my boss, it could be worse. They aren't laying anyone off, yet, at least. "At least we have our jobs," I was told. Comforting thought.

So, I'm looking for a new job. I wish I could just write on cover letters "I'm fabulous. Hire me and see for yourself." And I'm looking to take on more freelance work. One day I'm going to toss the suits and work solely for myself.