blind luck

What is luck? How do you prove true talent?

I was in a swimming competition last month. My first competition ever.

First up: freestyle. I got up on to the platform. It slants down, so one couldn't help but dive into the water.

BANG. At the sound of the gun, my mind goes blank. I lean forward and cannonball into the water. Yes, cannonball. My goggles pop off my head, and I swim the race blind weaving back and forth.

Goggles lost. How about the match? I found my name near the bottom of the list for my age group. A loss? Not quite. I actually got third in my division. Yay! Points for my team! Blind luck? Maybe. But definitely a good douse of funny embarrassment mixed in.

Day two: Backstroke. First off, I had new goggles, but my swim cap split in two. I did a great back dive into the water (especially considering I'd never done it before). I swam well for me. I hadn't learned how to do the turn in the water, so that slowed me down a bit. But I was satisfied. I'd accomplished what I'd wanted.

Now, for the results: Near the bottom of the list for my age group. Same as the night before, there were only three girls in my division competing, so again, I got third--but much closer to second than the night before.

And the end, not luck, for good or bad. It was just me, a few months of spotty practice in the pool and my nerves--doing what I never had the nerve to do in high school.

some days

Some days I just don't like people.

Their mere existence is annoying, bothersome.

I, of course, exclude you from this loathing. I very much like your existence--most of the time, at least.

travelin' sans car

OK, this one is quick.

I've had my bicycle for a month now, so it was time to take it back to the cycle shop for them to check the tire pressure and alignment and all. So, one day after work, I thought I'd challenge myself to riding to the shop from my apartment. It'd be a little over 2.5 miles in a straight shot. but as that would involve major roads during rush hour, I negotiated around the side streets, so I probably added on an extra mile.

I arrive at the bike shop, proud and sweaty. The guy takes my bike and writes on a slip. "OK, we'll have it ready for you by 4pm tomorrow." Tomorrow? The book in my bag that I was to read while waiting suddenly became an inconvenient brick. I looked out at the long road ahead of me. My roomie was out for the evening. Kcprogrammer was still at work across town. Thankfully yellowdancer was home and took out time to come pick my tired butt up.

take a break

I waste a lot of time. But I spend little time really allowing myself to relax. I recently heard a professor say we are living with constant partial attention. We are always checking in on everything but never fully present and focused on one thing (or person).

With all the distractions and noise, it becomes uncomfortable to be silent. To be silent inside. I want to be distracted. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. What if I find out that I really have no thoughts of my own?

Taking vacations, taking breaks, taking time for yourself and loved ones is something that kcprogrammer and I've been talking a lot about lately. It was one of those subjects that once it's brought up, events all around you seems to relate back to it.

So everything around me and kcprogrammer is telling us to remember to take out time, and we agree. But agreeing and doing are not the same. It's a lot of work to take a break.

if you knew i was coming, would you bake a cake?

At my cousin's wedding last weekend, practically every person I spoke with asked about Kcprogrammer, how long we'd been together, and whether we were talking about marriage. And I'm an open person. You know I'll talk about almost anything. But I really got tired of it. People assume that since we've been dating for a year and a half that we must be on the verge of marriage. And we may be. But what I realized in my annoyance with this same question being asked over and over--to which I never seemed to be able to offer a response that satisfied--was that they were asking the wrong question.

Just because you may madly love your boyfriend of a year--or three years for that matter--doesn't mean that you can spend the next 50 years with him and still be happy. Love is the icing. It's nice in little tastes by itself, but it's only truly good when it is the complement to something much more substantial--say a delectable, moist cake. But that won't happen if you don't have the right ingredients. And this is one recipe that I don't want to mess up.

I think too many people get a taste of the icing and assume that the cake that's beneath it is equally yummy. We rush in foolhardily--even when we think ourselves rational--and we pay the price. All of these wedding shows on TV--what if they followed up and showed the couples going through their divorces or living in loveless, commitmentless marriages just a few years down the road?

A poor dessert leaves one less satisfied than if no dessert had been had at all. This may all sound like Kcprogrammer is going to be fighting an uphill battle. But if at the top of the hill, one receives the best cake ever tasted, the climb will have been more than worth it.

27 and tired

Last year on my 26th birthday, I felt no difference from it and my 25th. This birthday--my 27th--has a distinctly different feel. I'm undeniably close to 30. And while my boyfriend and several of my friends have hit that age mark, it still looms before me. I feel old.

I know many of you must chuckle at this. But those of you who are chuckling are probably older than me. So then, think back to when you first met me or the age you remember me best. Remember how you old were at the time? Now fast forward to today. Feel your age now?

I have nothing against adulthood. And I'm not saying that I'm clinging to my childhood. It's merely a recognition of knowing who I was, who I am, and who I am on the path to becoming. Life is about continuous change, and I like patterns and predictability--and early bedtimes. If I'm going to bed at 10pm now--even on the weekends--does that indicate that I'll be in bed by 9pm when I'm 37 or 8pm when I'm 47?

The second of my cousins is getting married this weekend in Georgia. I'm going and so are all but one of my other cousins. The cousin who is already married will be bringing his 5-month-old daughter. It will be the first time I see her. It makes me feel old. But then I'll probably get a dose of young-unmarried-person reality when I'm put in a hotel room with my mom, grandma and only female (single) cousin.

And on another birthday topic: Kcprogrammer sent the most gorgeous bouquet of roses to me at work today. I was simply floored and lost all ability to concentrate on my work for the rest of the afternoon. Amazingly thoughtful gift or no, I love that guy. (It's just that with the addition of the amazingly thoughtful gift he gets big-time points, which are useful to get a girlfriend to postpone any nagging or pestering for at least a day or two.)

And on a non-birthday note: Countingpigs, I love you, and I'm thinking of you. The invader will be gone by the time you wake.

no tv tuesdays

My roomie and I have decided to forgo TV watching on Tuesday nights. I'll also be putting my little laptop away for the day. I was pushing for no TV Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I think my roomie isn't quite ready for such a drastic step.

The idea is to remind ourselves of what the world is like unconnected. Tonight, for example, had both of us on the couch, TV on, and both our laptops out and in use. Seriously, we've been sucked in. So, perhaps tomorrow and the Tuesdays that follow will allow us to take a breather from our electronic connections and allow us the opportunity to strengthen our friendship connection. A little corny, but I'm not feeling very creative tonight.

sadness and rain

In movies and books, when someone is deeply sad or mourning the passing of a loved one, rain is a close companion. Happy days come with warm, shining suns.

I'm a May baby, so it frequently rains on my birthday. And I don't know that I've ever been to a funeral at which I needed an umbrella. Until today.

I got an email this morning that a coworker's husband had passed away. I don't work with this woman directly, but she has a special place in my heart. She worked at my old job when I was an intern. And every time I talk to her she makes me smile and laugh and feel a little more at ease with the fact that the world is a messed up place.

I only met her husband a handful of times. They rode motorcycles across the country. He was the type who would be the first to offer to help you move or repair you fence.

Two weeks ago when I was busy getting ready to go to my conference, he was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't know. After my week in Vegas, I realized I hadn't seen her for a while. But we work on different floors, and our work doesn't overlap. Maybe she was on vacation. I didn't know.

He was 63. They had been married for 42 years. They had two weeks to say goodbye. Two weeks. My heart aches with sadness.

time change

In Vegas, my body was on Kansas City time. Now, back in KC, I'm on Vegas time. Sigh. Sleep, when will you become my friend?

On another time note, I'm ahead at work. I know now why I'm such a procrastinator. Being prepared and ahead of things is simply boring.

One of my co-workers has the chance to go to a conference in Korea (South Korea, of course). While I'm jealous as all heck, it would be a great opportunity for her to see a different part of the world. She hasn't been out of the US since she was a kid. The world is an amazing place. I've been lucky to have trekked through a bit of it here and there. I can play nice and be happy for her opportunity. But I'm totally calling dibs on the next work trip out of the US...

las vegas, again

Another year; another big conference in Sin City. The days are filled with press conferences and booth visits. The nights require cocktail parties and receptions. And for some crazy reason I decided to give myself the extra chore of creating a blog for the show.

I dreaded going to Las Vegas. I trudged through though. My silver lining: vacation. Kcprogrammer had never been to Vegas, so he came out on my last day of the conference and we stayed the weekend. I didn't think I'd ever like being in Las Vegas again. I was wrong. We had an absolutely amazing time.

We took a helicopter ride over the Hoover Dam and down into the Grand Canyon. It wasn't a cheap excursion, but the experience was priceless.

Cirque was great as usual. And we went to see the Anthony Cools Experiment at Paris Las Vegas. It's not a big show, but one that should be on your must-see list. He hypnotizes volunteers from the audience creating one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. The only caveat here is that the humor is crude. Kcprogrammer bought the video of the show we saw, so you can check that out sometime if you're curious...