WARNING: READING CONTENTS MAY STIR UP MEMORIES CAUSING INTENSE EMOTION IN READER, ESPECIALLY IF READER IS ALSO THE WRITER OF THE CONTENTS. KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN. DO NOT INGEST. FLAMMABLE. CONTACT YOUR ROOMMATE IF YOU FEEL STUPID OR IMMATURE AFTER READING.
I had no idea how much influence my mother had on me. I didn't get along with her when I was a teenager. We had horrible fights. But when I read my journal, my thoughts mimic hers and not my father's. Why?
Why did I worry about the pollution of my mind, body, and soul after watching True Lies? (By the way, that was the first rated R movie I ever watched on VHS. I was 15! My first rated R in-theater movie experience would follow later that year, Dangerous Minds. I told my mom that I saw the Little Princess.)
At 15 I had already decided that I would only date someone who I could see myself marrying. And, of course, at 15, I couldn't picture myself married at all. That was my mother inside my head. That was my youth pastor. That was my timidity. I wanted an excuse to hide. I found it, and then I couldn't be rid of it.
So 10 years of self struggle later (goodness, 10 years. I feel so old). Here I am. I still shy away from opportunities to date. I still expect extremes of all or nothing rather than dealing with the shaky middle ground of uncertainty.
But I've changed, too, of course. Often, I don't give myself credit for how much I've changed. A few weeks ago, I was thinking through some issues of the heart. I rarely share these with my family. I think they may have thought I was a lesbian for awhile because I never dated, never spoke of boys. I'm sure god heard a few prayers on the matter. But I've begun to say a bit more. Maybe I'm just more comfortable with who I am. Maybe I just like to rile up my mother.
Anyway, I said something. Her advice: you should date him. Why not? It's the only way to find out if he could be someone you could spend your life with. I was almost surprised, my mother was pushing me to date, but then she continued: Just be careful not to get too emotionally involved or physical. It's hard to end a relationship after you've become attached like that. There's the mom that I know and love. And no, this isn't just keep-your-legs-crossed advice. The kicker: Don't kiss him.
Date him, but don't kiss him! Great advice from my mom on how to find your true love. Right. This could work. I could see how well tested this advice was. Sure, this could work for my cousin the youth pastor and his wife. (They didn’t kiss until they were engaged.) But, I was having trouble seeing this one working out in my life. I got up the nerve and actually told my mom that if I did date him, I would kiss him. I don't need to date him to get to know him. I already know him. So, it would involve emotional attachment. And, yes, I would kiss him. Geeze, I've entered my mid-20s and my mom's best advice for me is to date but not kiss. I decided that it’d be best to wait to tell her that I don’t think people have one person they’re meant to be with forever. That kind of commitment is a choice. I also decided no to tell my mom that I might not marry and that she might not have grandkids. I'll save that for her birthday or maybe Thanksgiving.
I think I've been going crazy enough not dating and not kissing. I don't think I could date and then not kiss. That's just perverse. I stopped there for my mother's benefit, and I will for yours, too. I must be completely out of my mind to post this, considering the only three people that read this thing know me. Oh well.
My value system was faulty. I put so much value on not doing certain things that I kept myself from experiencing life as fully as I could have. So, today's tie-in are lyrics from one of my favorite songs, F.N.T. by Semisonic.
Fascinating new thing
Get beside me
I want you to love me
I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're priceless yeah you're precious
Even when you are not new
I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're priceless yeah you're holy
Even when you are not new
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