Wednesday, December 10, 2008

what's awkward

So, here's the story: I applied for a job on a magazine I respect with a head editor I'd be honored to work for. I was a top contender for the job, but they chose to go with someone else, someone outside of the company.

Today, I got an e-mail from one of the people I'd interviewed with. He let me know that the new person would be starting today and that he hoped I would welcome her and that he hoped that there would be any awkwardness.

I was offended at the suggestion at first. I'm a professional, and I understand the complexities that go into hiring someone.

Was I qualified for the position? Yes. Would I have been good in the position? Yes. Did they like me? Yes. Would it have been good for them to have selected an internal candidate rather than someone from the outside? Yes. But most important, do I trust them to hire the best person? Yes.

And it's this last point that's important. I would be insulted if they hired someone with less experience, which, for some reason that's beyond me is becoming a trend. On some staffs it is nearly impossible to get a promotion (like on mine). On other staffs, they've ignored the job hierarchy, and hire new graduates in at a level it took most of us several years in the field to reach. Now, there are a few magazines that actually hire the best fit and then promote the person as he or she grows in the position. It's this final type of publication I'm trying my damnedest to get on at.

OK, but back to the awkward. I know awkward when it comes to jobs and hiring.

When I was an intern at my first publishing company, the top two contenders for a full-time gig were myself and a fellow intern. I interviewed and then left to backpack around Europe. I got the job, and returned to find the other intern still working there. She did eventually find herself a job at another company, but, boy, was that awkward.

Later, I experienced the other side of awkward. I didn't think I was yet qualified for a higher position, so I hadn't applied for a job opening at my company. The person they hired was a former intern at the company who had much, much less experience than I. Another entry-level co-worker and I were dumbfounded. We'd worked hard for years at the same company and hadn't received the recognition for that work. Now that was awkward.

I soon left that company. Though, I can't say I've gotten much further. And I'm still watching other people get promoted and pass me. That is awkward.

Going and talking to my current boss about this fact is more than awkward, it's down-right scary. My boss is not known for being a friendly, nice guy. But I've been plodding along, going through the correct channels and biding my time for too long.

I can't avoid the awkwardness. In fact, part of the problem is that I've been avoiding the awkwardness that would come from trying--and then succeeding at--getting what I want.

Now, I'm off to do something very awkward. And, no, it's not introducing myself to the new girl. I've already done that, and she seems very nice.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

lacking nourishment

Last month, my boss yelled at me in staff meeting (so not my fault, but that is a different story). And my co-workers commiserated with me and were my allies.

Today, my boss can't stop singing my praises (and doing so a little too publicly). And my co-workers have never been more annoyed with my existence.

Work life sucks both ways.

A note to my co-workers: I'm just trying to get ahead, and so are you. I'd like for us all to do this together, and support each other. But we can't do that, can we? Instead of carving up the meal and eating together, we're fighting over the scraps and hoarding them away in our rat-hole cubicles, where they rot and mold. We smile prettily to each other and then talk dirty behind each others back and craft plots to steal what someone else possesses. When one of us starts to pull ahead we grab on to their heals and pull them back. (And I'm part of the scavenging, hoarding, rotting mess. I'm not clean . I'm not proud. I just want to call a truce and end this mess.)

I need a more wholesome diet. I'm getting sick here.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

and i smile

OK, to catch everyone up kcprogrammer and I are engaged. And everyone wants the story. Here goes:

Tuesday was the third anniversary of our first date. We had dinner at a wonderful little Italian restaurant in the French Quarter that had been recommended to us by a travel guide. After dinner, we went for a walk through Jackson Square and past the St. Louis Cathedral. And then we strolled out onto the levee. Then with the French Quarter on one side of us and the Mississippi River on the other, kcprogrammer said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That's when he got down on one knee.

Here I'll interject a little side note: I'd been waffling on the whole engagement ring issue, so I knew that he hadn't bought one, and therefore I did not expect the proposal. OK, now back to him being on bended knee: He asked me to marry him and presented me with a temporary ring that he'd made by folding a $20 bill. I was overcome with emotion--as well as being impressed by his inventiveness and apparent talent at folding paper money.

And I find it difficult to accurately relay the experience. There is a difference between being in the moment and then telling the story of the moment that happened. The story never does proper justice to the moment. But that's how it should be. Otherwise, why would we ever live in the moment when we could just live off of stories.

Monday, September 15, 2008

so close

Sometimes I'm a better friend to people than at other times. Over the weekend, I was overly attentive in some areas and ghastly inattentive in others. It's always the latter that hangs over one's head.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

staying relevant

My mind is always filled with the next set of problems that I need to find solutions to. Then, once those are taken care of, I gather up new problems to replace them.

So, when people talk to me, I talk about what I'm thinking about, which is usually the problem that's taken over my thoughts. I really must be a downer of a person to talk to, always complaining, always troubled, always trying to figure out how to solve the problem du jour.

Lately, of course, the issue currently enveloping me is that I've very unhappy with my job. There is no future for me where I am. And I'm uncertain as to where I need to focus my efforts to make sure that I survive what I believe to be a massive restructuring of print media in the years to come.

And as I look at the future for my boss, my dad, my uncle—all long timers at their companies, all unsure as to whether their companies will recognize and honor their decades of service or kick them to the curb with few employment options for men nearing the age of retirement—I'm reminded that we are in a new employment age where no one is safe.

You are a cost center. Make sure you keep up your skills and abilities so you can prove you're a cost worth keeping. And try to horde some money away, because you do not have job security. How are you going to make sure you are relevant in your career when you are 55? It tires me just thinking about it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

leaving, again

So I'm off early tomorrow morning for hot, hot Houston. My cousin is getting married, and I'm taking three days off of work to join in the festivities. (And considering the current foul mood my boss has been in, I'll be glad to be away.)

Monday, July 28, 2008

facing a new reality

Life is change; I get that. The industry I work in is changing rapidly. Aspects of my personal life are changing even more rapidly.

There is a difference between knowing that change will happen and taking those changes head on.

After discussions that I've had recently, I realized that I am not equipped for the future of my profession. The ship I'm on is sinking, as are those around me. Before that happens, I need to get a life raft. Practicing my swimming wouldn't hurt either.

Monday, July 21, 2008

this is the week

This could, quite possibly, be one of the most important, stress-filled weeks of my life.

There was a weekend of shopping and preparing. Thanks to Kat and AH for their assistance acquiring the last-minute essentials.

There is today's meeting. I woke up at 3am after having a series of very odd dreams involving my failure to make an important element for the meeting work. Thanks to my roomie for straightening my hair.

There is the cold that came to visit me last week and hasn't gotten the hint that it's time to move on to new pastures. Just when I'm needing to be my most professional, I'm stuck with a cold that invloves sniffling and sneezing.

There is the big banquet. Me present the awards? Ahh! Oh, right, I'm the one who assigned myself that task. Good going... I'm guessing more sleepless nights to come for me before this event. If it fails, it's all my fault. No pressure.

There is the two-day conference. I hope the sessions I'm helping to coordinate don't suck. I hope I can introduce a speaker without becoming a bumbling mess. I hope I can dig up some freelance work.

There is book club. Yay! A break from it all.

There is the freelance project due at week's end. I only need to find 10 hours of freetime and I'll be golden...

Oh and then there's the pesky little thing of my day job, and needing to get my to take care of five days of work in only two.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. (I hope repeating this works in real life like it did for The Little Engine That Could.)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

going, going, gone to orlando

I'm off to the great, hot land that is Orlando. My grandmother lived in Florida for many years, so the land of oranges and theme parks is old hat to me. And I was there last year. So why go back? Well, this time I'm going with kcprogrammer and his family. It will be the first time his mom and sisters have ever boarded a plane. It will be, I believe, their first family vacation. And I get to be part of it, and that, in my opinion, is what will truly make this trip a visit to the happiest place on earth.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

what part of "no" don't i understand?

In 2002, I was told I was great, but I was rejected.
In 2005, I was told I would have been perfect, but told I was too late.
In 2007, I was told I would be wonderful, but told I wasn't experienced.
In 2008, I was told I was impressive, but apparently, not the right fit.

All four rejections came from the same person.

In 2002, I was told it was a sure thing. It wasn't, and I was crushed.
In 2005, I missed my opportunity because my head was somewhere else.
In 2007, I was rejected early, but then the rejecter had to settle for less.
In 2008, I came in expecting little given the history, yet confident in my abilities.

My only thought: Her loss.

Friday, May 23, 2008

schrödinger's cat

So last night on "The Big Bang Theory" Sheldon used the paradox of Schrödinger's cat to explain the current state of Penny and Leonard's relationship as being unobserved so therfore both alive and dead at the same time. Schrödinger developed this theory to illustrate a proble in quantum mechanics.

Here are the basics from WhatIs.com:
We place a living cat into a steel chamber, along with a device containing a vial of hydrocyanic acid. There is, in the chamber, a very small amount of a radioactive substance. If even a single atom of the substance decays during the test period, a relay mechanism will trip a hammer, which will, in turn, break the vial and kill the cat. The observer cannot know whether or not an atom of the substance has decayed, and consequently, cannot know whether the vial has been broken, the hydrocyanic acid released, and the cat killed. Since we cannot know, the cat is both dead and alive according to quantum law, in a superposition of states. It is only when we break open the box and learn the condition of the cat that the superposition is lost, and the cat becomes one or the other (dead or alive). This situation is sometimes called quantum indeterminacy or the observer's paradox: the observation or measurement itself affects an outcome, so that the outcome as such does not exist unless the measurement is made. (That is, there is no single outcome unless it is observed.)

So why am I going on about this? I think we all keep things closed up in boxes. As long as it's in the box, there is no outcome. Until we open the box, we have the safety of knowing that our dream might be alive. We also live with the stress and fear that it might be dead. But we hesitate to open the box. As long as the box stays closed, we don't have to confront the possiblility of death.

The don't act because I fear the result of my action will be failure instead of success. As long as I don't act, failure is kept at bay and success is still a possibility.

I don't ask because I fear the truth may be contrary to my desired answer. As long as I don't ask, my favorable outcome still exists as a possiblity--though it doesn't truly change the answer.

I have a life full of metaphorically boxed up cats. It's time to open up the boxes and see which ones are alive and scratching.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

regarding this and that

This week I found myself in a reflective mode for two conflicting purposes. On one hand, I was considering the trouble spots in my life, what I want to focus on changing. On the other hand, I was trying to highlight my best assets and accomplishments for someone whom I had not had contact with in several years.

The old me, the new me, the troubled me, the successful me, the sick me, the pessimist me, the hopeful me, the bad me, the good me, the up me, the down me, the friendly me, the cranky me, all came crashing together. The combined total is the me in progress.

I've been frustrated, down and a bit reclusive lately. I've been overworked and stressed out. And you'd think all of this introspection would only serve to magnify this. Refreshingly, the opposite has occurred.

I found out that my past might present a stumbling block for my future. And nothing about what was frustrating me or getting me down has changed. But woke up this morning and realize that I've changed. The control is out of my hands, so there is no point to worrying. I will take the opportunities that come and make the best of them and not waste my time fretting over how things could be if X, Y and Z happened or didn't happen or happened differently.

So the me in progress is currently thinking: That was then, and this is now. That resulted in this, but that is no more. This is what stands in its place, and this is good.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

spring rain

I walked out from work. I breathed in deeply, and thought, "It smells like spring." And, no, I'm not talking about my BO after a hard day's work. I'm talking about that other spring--that wonderful season that is bursting outside.

The ground was wet from and everything had that hyper-color that only seems to happen after a spring rain. The world around me is getting a fresh start, renewing life.

It happens every year. It's new, yet it's all the same. And that's life.

I take that back. Instead, it's all the same, yet it's new. Yeah, I like it that way better.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

worker bee buzz

I have homework to do, but I'm drained of creativity.
I have a trip to ready myself for, but my mind is too restless.
I have a life to live, and it's being derailed by frustration.

This was going to be a post about how amazing KU performed.
This was going to be a post that reflected on KU after Roy Williams.
Roy listening to the Rock Chalk Jayhawk that was not for him.
Roy at the championship game with a Jayhawk sticker on his chest.
I hope that fans have drank their last out of the hater-aide well.
And I hope Bill stays at KU. I love his balanced attitude toward the game.

I was going to be lively and witty in my post. But not now. Now I'm on to a new worry--well an old worry magnified.

See, it's no secret that I dislike working for corporate America.
It's no secret that I'm frustrated by how my industry is being managed by the guys in the suits.
Basically, they're looking to squeeze water out of a sponge before they even dunk it in the water bucket. Then they blame the sponge. There is nothing wrong with the sponge.

I'm underpaid and overworked. Tomorrow I get my annual review, and my boss knew the top item on my agenda was a long overdue promotion. And then today the top dog of the company passed down a degree--a hiring and pay freeze. I still get my annual review (gee, thanks) but no pay raise, and talk of a promotion is definitely off the table. But, oh yeah, I still get to work my ass off at this trade show next week.

It's so frustrating. A freeze like this means your good workers will either leave or be come poor workers due to burnout. That may save you money in the short term, but it must really be costly long term.

But according to my boss, it could be worse. They aren't laying anyone off, yet, at least. "At least we have our jobs," I was told. Comforting thought.

So, I'm looking for a new job. I wish I could just write on cover letters "I'm fabulous. Hire me and see for yourself." And I'm looking to take on more freelance work. One day I'm going to toss the suits and work solely for myself.

Monday, March 03, 2008

food fight

Came across an interesting video. It's the history of war since WWII told with food.

Mr. Hassig and Mr. Smith, I really did pay attention in my History classes, but I think I need a refresher course. And maybe a few meals at less American-centric restaurants.



In case I fumbled up embedding the video link, here's the website: http://tv.boingboing.net.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

tummy troubles, again

So I'm up when I should be sleeping. Darn this stomach of mine. Acid reflux, intestinal gas, food poisoning, diarrhea, whatever, I just want whatever this is to go away. Leave me along. Stop messing up my sleep at nights. Stop costing me an arm and a leg at the pharmacy. Please, stop, now. I'm tired.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

don't drop the soap!

So last night Kathleen Sebelius gave a good speech--though sadly lacked any sort of emotion--in response to Pres. Bush's State of the Union address. I read in the Star that some were considering her as a possible presidential running mate because of her bipartisan skills.

The more interesting story, though, involves her 23-year-old son, who's turned a school project into a product to sell. It's a board game called "Don't Drop the Soap." Familiar with that sage advise for prison inmates? Well prison is setting for this board game. You can even use a bag of coke as your game piece to move around the board.

Here's the description from the site:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse's desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.


Read the article in the KC Star here.

See the kid's website here.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

in the tickle booth

TickleBooth has rounded up the Oscar-nominated animated shorts for our viewing pleasure: http://ticklebooth.com/2008/01/watch-the-oscar-nominated-animated-shorts-online-2/#comment-61797.

I haven't had time to watch any of them yet, but they look cool.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

i don't do sales

I'm looking for a new job. If it involves me trying to coerce someone else to buy something, I don't want it. But what else is out there?

For those wondering, I don't hate my job. I just need a job with the potenial for more pay and better benefits. My roomie is leaving for wifehood in eight months, and then the apartment and all the bills will be 100 percent mine.
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