just trust me

Yesterday afternoon...
"I immediately knew it was you," said one of my co-workers. My face turned bright red in front of him and my soon-to-be ex-boss.
Is my personality that well known for being that brash?

Earlier that morning...
"I don't trust you," I said looking straight into the eyes of the CEO of our company.
You can imagine the heaviness of the silence that followed.

This was the first time our group had met the CEO. He was meeting with the minions in the morning and the managers in the afternoon.
He had asked me, "Who are your co-workers."
"You want me to say everyone in the corporation," I replied. My tone indicated that I felt otherwise. I explained that the people outside of our little office were unfamiliar to us. Before the acquisition, our former owner left us alone. We had to rely on each other. We trust each other. We are all committed and focused on the same goal. But I don't know--and therefore can't trust--the people in the other offices in our new company.

Mr. CEO looked straight at me, "Do you trust me?"
Shit.
"I don't know you," I replied.
"But I'm the head of this company. I’m in charge. Do you trust me?"
"I don't know." I knew that I was cornered. If I said yes, he'd ask me why.
"Do you trust me?"
"No, I don't trust you."

This is craziness. I’m crazy, certifiable crazy.

"I don't know you. Why should I trust you?" he asked.
Shit. Another trap.
"Yes because you acquired us for a reason. You can look at the work we do, the effort we put into it," I replied and then added, "I didn't say that I shouldn't trust you. I just don't yet."

His point: We have to push beyond our insulated little group. We have to reach out to our new co-workers. He’s right. I never disagreed with what we should be able to do. We just don't yet.

Later, he returned to me.
"Your instinct not to trust me right away were good," he said. Did the floor just drop from under my feet? He went on, "It shows how much you care about your product, that you don't want anything or anyone to come in and hurt your work."

Whew! Saved by the fact that this man seems to be as crazy as me.

Today's tie-in quote comes from the first season of Gilmore Girls:
Luke: "You look like you need pie."
Rory: "I do?"
Luke: "Violent pencil tossing usually signals the need for pie."
Rory: "What if I'd thrown a pen?"
Luke: "I would've brought you a trout."

splash of cold water

My mental clarity varies by extremes. I often fault my lack of sleep when I’m in a mental fog.

It usually takes me an hour or so to fall asleep.
If I don't have trouble getting to sleep, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night.
If I wake up in the middle of the night, I’ll think about some petty worry (e.g. what I need to accomplish at work tomorrow, that guy that it seems like I’ve liked forever, the books I need to retrieve from my parents' home, the pile of random papers at the foot of my bed, how I’m awake and I need to be asleep, how long I have until my alarm goes off)
If I begin thinking some petty worry, I won't be able to fall asleep for several hours.
If I sleep that little, i have a terrible time getting out of bed.
If I have a terrible time getting out of bed, I’m late to work.
Although I’m often late to work, sometimes I call one of my bosses' voice mails at 4 a.m.
it goes something like this, "Hi, um, it's me. It’s 4:03 a.m. and I’m not asleep. I wish I were, and it doesn't look like I will be in the near future. If it's okay with you, I’d like to take the morning off to try to get a little sleep. If it's not okay, give me a call, and I’ll roll my butt into work. Um, yeah. Thanks. Night, um, morning. Bye."

All of this equals fog brain on the job. And my bosses thinking I’m a nutcase.

So it had me worried.

Then one of my bosses called me into her office the other day. Effective immediately I would be working for her full time. They got permission to have full-time assistant editors on both pubs.

After the shock, the lightning bolt, the splash of cold water, and once my feet were reassured that the earth was still solid beneath them, I cried.
Perhaps it's weak. Perhaps I’m silly. But I cried.

Yes this is good.
Yes this is a step up for me (even if not in pay. Cheap 'tards)
Yes it means the editorial assistant gets a well deserved promotion to the job she should have had when she graduated last year.
Yes I’m not stuck working late on deadlines two weeks a month.
Yes I can finally take a vacation.
Yes I can focus more time on editing and writing.

But it means leaving behind a publication I’ve been honored and proud to be a part of.
But it means leaving a trio of fabulous, wonderful editors.
But it means i didn't conquer my time-management issues. I never quite got the balance to work.
But it means leaving the one of my two bosses in who's eyes I gleamed.
But it means change.

On another note: did a little Alias watching last night. Here’s a bit of a tie in with the above entry:

Sloane: Marshall, would you please go back to work?
Marshall: Just to clarify, I'm not being fired?
Sloane: Back to work means not fired.

cracked open

Yesterday I was reminded of a lesson i never want to learn the hard way.
I wish I were reminded by a "this is your brain on drugs fried egg" commercial.
Instead it was in the form of tears streaming down the face of one of those dearest to my heart.
"She’s so smart," the congested voice said to me, "how could she be so stupid to mess up her life?"

The simple answer is the scary one: you and i at some point in our lives have done something equally stupid.
The only difference is we were lucky and didn't feel the burn from our actions.

So I’ve watched and learned the lesson, right? This time I’ve learned it right? How many times have i learned this lesson and soon after forgotten it?

I didn't sleep last night; a song from Urinetown, the musical, running through my head.

Cladwell: But what of tomorrow, Mister Strong?!
Think of tomorrow, Mister Strong!
Our resources are as fragile
As a newborn baby's skull
With your actions
You would gut the child
And leave a lifeless hull!
Could it be you're so short-sighted
So insensitive, so dull?
Think of tomorrow, Mister Strong!

The Poor: But what of today?!