splash of cold water

My mental clarity varies by extremes. I often fault my lack of sleep when I’m in a mental fog.

It usually takes me an hour or so to fall asleep.
If I don't have trouble getting to sleep, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night.
If I wake up in the middle of the night, I’ll think about some petty worry (e.g. what I need to accomplish at work tomorrow, that guy that it seems like I’ve liked forever, the books I need to retrieve from my parents' home, the pile of random papers at the foot of my bed, how I’m awake and I need to be asleep, how long I have until my alarm goes off)
If I begin thinking some petty worry, I won't be able to fall asleep for several hours.
If I sleep that little, i have a terrible time getting out of bed.
If I have a terrible time getting out of bed, I’m late to work.
Although I’m often late to work, sometimes I call one of my bosses' voice mails at 4 a.m.
it goes something like this, "Hi, um, it's me. It’s 4:03 a.m. and I’m not asleep. I wish I were, and it doesn't look like I will be in the near future. If it's okay with you, I’d like to take the morning off to try to get a little sleep. If it's not okay, give me a call, and I’ll roll my butt into work. Um, yeah. Thanks. Night, um, morning. Bye."

All of this equals fog brain on the job. And my bosses thinking I’m a nutcase.

So it had me worried.

Then one of my bosses called me into her office the other day. Effective immediately I would be working for her full time. They got permission to have full-time assistant editors on both pubs.

After the shock, the lightning bolt, the splash of cold water, and once my feet were reassured that the earth was still solid beneath them, I cried.
Perhaps it's weak. Perhaps I’m silly. But I cried.

Yes this is good.
Yes this is a step up for me (even if not in pay. Cheap 'tards)
Yes it means the editorial assistant gets a well deserved promotion to the job she should have had when she graduated last year.
Yes I’m not stuck working late on deadlines two weeks a month.
Yes I can finally take a vacation.
Yes I can focus more time on editing and writing.

But it means leaving behind a publication I’ve been honored and proud to be a part of.
But it means leaving a trio of fabulous, wonderful editors.
But it means i didn't conquer my time-management issues. I never quite got the balance to work.
But it means leaving the one of my two bosses in who's eyes I gleamed.
But it means change.

On another note: did a little Alias watching last night. Here’s a bit of a tie in with the above entry:

Sloane: Marshall, would you please go back to work?
Marshall: Just to clarify, I'm not being fired?
Sloane: Back to work means not fired.