news bites

BARTLE HALL--On Monday, CVC registration volunteers (or more accurately, forced laborers) saw a sharp decline in the number of retarded monkeys (attendees) asking stupid questions. The decline was a welcome relief to the volunteers, who had spent the last two days fielding a bunch of stupid questions from attendees who could not, for the life of them, form a single-file line in the booth clearly marked "On-site registration, slash information."
BY: FORCED LABORER #32 (one of my co-workers)

SOMEWHERE IN LENEXA, KS--Recently released hostages from the Central Veterinary Crisis were taken to a nearby Sonic for treatment. After a revitalizing meal of fried cheese and jalapenos, former hostage Po Stewart remarked, "Gee, that wasn't so bad." Fellow inmate Sally Golden promptly hit her with a 200-lb ream of copy paper. Stewart is in critical condition at Johnson County Mental Health Inpatient Unit, but doctors expect a full recovery.
BY: RELEASED HOSTAGE #3 (another co-worker)

AVHC, LENEXA, KS--Murmurs of a possible revolt by prisoners at a small publishing jail fell silent after hearing from their warden. With her words, "Thanks everyone for your hard work. You all did a great job," the jailed primarily female population seemed to forget their rage and demand for less strenuous work and better living conditions and went calmly to eat their gruel and mush.
"This happens every year," the warden says. "But they seem to calm down when they hear a bit of reason. So don't fear, this jail and it's iron bars haven't been broken yet."
BY: PRISONER #14 (theCallowQueen)