crazy conference confessions

so i'm done with the conference.
i'm done with the preconferences.
i'm done with the room service.
i'm done with the fake smiles.
i'm done with the time laughter.
i'm done with the forced enthusiasm.
i'm done with the maroon shirts.
i'm done with the 9 o'clock bedtime.
(though i still fall asleep before 10.)

truth is i enjoy parts of the conference.
i enjoy a room service meal or two (especially the desserts).
i enjoy talking with authors and veterinarians.
some of the laughter was real.
and the smiles with that cute redheaded guy were very real.
(his business card is burning a hole in my workbag.)

but i'm tired. i'm glad it's over for another year.
thank you to my friends and family for supporting me.
especially my roomie, lizzy lou, and my new neighbor.

So, today, the quotes are my own.
Here are a few things I wish I could have said,
but withheld because I can be a semiprofessional at times.

To a co-worker: No. I'm tired. I'm going to go home. I know this conference is your life, but it's not mine.

To another co-worker: Your not in charge. Your title means nothing while you're working this conference. Your new to this company. You don't know how things work. Let her do her job.

To an attendee: Read the damn sign, Stupid!

To an exhibitor: I'm not actually falling for your act. I see right though your British accent, old man. Don't believe my smiles and nods.

To an advisory board member: Shit, with that beard you look like my ex, just aged 30 years. And you demeanor and crude jokes are like his too. Thanks for the reminder of why I'm not with him, but, um, would you mind shaving? You're really creeping me out.

To the same board member: Although the complement I just gave you is mostly true, I'm not telling you that I'm completely reworking the last article you wrote for us. Exactly how much smoke do you want me to blow up your ass?

To a nonexhibiting exhibitor: You know, you're really cute. I love your red hair. What state are you from? Are you married? What are you doing for dinner tonight?

To a veterinarian: Okay, were those smiles and that brush against my arm a come-on? If it was, it totally worked.

To a new co-worker: Meeting you has made me feel much better about the future of this merger. I used to think your magazine was crap. Now I think it is the manure from which a brighter future may grow.

To my editor: Listen to all of these freakin' compliments about me from our authors and board members. You need to give me a promotion. You need to give me a raise.