who cares?

I do.

Kcprogrammer says that I care too much about what others think of me. I know that's true. And it's a topic that's been in my thoughts frequently of late.

My argument: If I didn't try to figure out what others think, I wouldn't have any idea of what's going on?

Really, I'm clueless about the world around me. And sometimes, probably more often than I would like, I feel as if I must squeeze thoughts out of people or else remain in the dark, clueless and stupid.

My denial: I could blame it on others. But this isn't true because I find myself struggling in these situations over and over again.

My truth: I'm the one perpetuating this. I am making it difficult for information to reach me. Or maybe I know just as much as everyone else and just think everyone else knows more.

And why do I care? I care because I am horrible at detecting how someone is feeling or reacting to what I am doing. If you don't tell me, I don't know.

I am the one who is boisterous when other wishes for silence.
I am the one who keeps a conversation going long after the other wishes the topic were dead.

I am the one who wants approval that I'm doing it right because I doubt my own judgment.
I am the one who wants assurance that my presence is wanted.

And after writing the above, I am the one who is surprised why she didn't understand why she tends to become depressed when she spends an evening alone.

You may find this all rather pathetic. I find it rather selfish. Whenever one is unnecessarily dependent on another, it is a selfish act.

My solution: ?

Stop being a baby would be a good place to start. And trust people. I don't really trust others to tell me the truth. Not that I think everyone goes around lying. But, I wonder, how much is sugar coated for my benefit? On the reverse, how much to I manipulate the truth? And does that influence my doubts of truth from others? Oh, lets save those conversation morsels for another post.

Newspapermen, as journalists used to be called, have long been charged with the sin of cynicism... a characterization that many of us encourage to deflect attention from our far more widespread flaw, incorrigible sentimentalism.
—Robert Manning

Note: I realize that this is the latest in a series of morose posts. I want to reassure readers that I am indeed in fine spirits. I've just been a bit reflective lately.

Everybody has that thing where they need to look one way but they come out looking another way and that’s what people observe. You see someone on the street and essentially what you notice about them is the flaw. It’s just extraordinary that we should have been given these peculiarities... Something is ironic in the world and it has to do with the fact that what you intend never comes out like you intend it.
—Diane Arbus