So someone mentioned to me that my blog’s become a bit more boring since I don’t have my old job to rant about. And it’s true. The blog is blander. My life is blander. Well, it was bland, but this last week or so has stirred things up again.
I had actually been sleeping well since I started my new job. Mystery of mysteries, when I’d lie down in bed, I’d fall asleep within a half hour--consistently. But this past week, I’ve fallen back into the old ways--staying awake for an hour or more, waking up very late, and carrying my tiredness through the day with me.
What had changed? Two things.
First, this newsletter I’ve been working on. It’s one I’ve picked up from an ex-co-worker. I had major program problems switching the files over to my laptop. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to do the newsletter at all at one point. Luckily it worked out to an at least manageable end--I thought--until I was told someone had forgotten that an extra half-page ad needed to run. So I redesigned the whole thing last night. Stress. I haven’t really had that since I left my old job. Stress keeps me from sleeping.
Second, I’ve been on ex-co-worker overload. Last Friday, you’ll remember that I met up with a whole slew of my former co-workers, including my ex-boss. That brought back the flood of memories. A flood of regrets. Yes, I’m happy at my new job, but I’m still sad about what I left and how I had to leave it.
Then out for our usual drinks on Tuesday (which is an ex-co-worker event), one of my former managing editors found out that my ex-boss and I had “communication issues.” She hadn’t known. I preferred it that way, I guess. I feel like I’ve hurt things enough there; I don’t want to further pollute the relationships that must continue there. Then, I started thinking about what she, and the others who don’t know the true reason, must think of why I left. Do they think me restless, undedicated, or simply desiring more before I deserved it? Many in that office, especially the old timers, strongly believe that if you stick at your job and do it well you will be recognized when recognition is due. They’re about dedication and faithfulness. Odd thoughts, I know, but those were the thoughts I had.
So, I’m off to lunch with more former co-workers today. I’ll probably have a movie night with another on Friday. I’ll see another group for lunch next week. There’s always Tuesday drinks. And then there’s Book Club and Dinner Club at the end of the month.
Maybe I should stop. Maybe, if seeing them brings back all these stresses, I shouldn’t see my ex-co-workers. But take away them and the newsletter and I’m left with blandness. Nice blandness. Pleasant blandness. Content blandness. But not much to write about. Besides, they're not just my ex-co-workers; they're my friends--well most of them.
Maybe that’s the point. I’ve been so busy living in the stresses of life, in my ups and downs, that I haven’t learned how to shape my own interests. Now that I don’t live for my job, I can find my passion. My passion was my work. Now I have the opportunity to find passion outside of work. I have the mental and emotional resources to dedicate to it—whatever it may be. I just have to figure out what that is.
- theCallowQueen
- In the down-hill tumble of life, I'm okay with the scratches and bruises; it's the broken bones that I'm trying to avoid.
4 comments:
You sound like me--stressing about not being stressed enough. Well, I don't know what to tell you to do. It sounds like your doing a lot with ex co-workers, and if it's always making things difficult for you, maybe you should cut down on the number of things you do with them for awhile to see if it makes any difference. If not, then maybe that's not the problem.
As far as blandness, I understand. That's why I don't write a blog entry everyday. I don't like to go on about boring stuff like what I ordered online yesterday or what I had for dinner unless I can really make it into something, you know, profound. ;) But, at the same time, I don't want to go through the stress of living a soap opera life just so I have something to post on my blog.
I have so many projects going on--so many passions--that I can't decide what to do first, and that creates a stress in and of itself. So, though having a passion can make your life feel more meaningful, it can also add its own stress because you're excited about it and want to pursue it but don't have enough time.
So, basically, you're screwed. Just kidding. It's good to find things you really enjoy outside of work (I can't imagine my life without them--work is not the center of my life). So, I say go for that. And, you need to think about why you're spending so much time with former coworkers. Did you spend this much time together outside work when you worked together? Are you really that close to them as friends, or are you just trying to hold on to the good feelings you had at your former job? You miss a lot of things about it, but you can't keep it the way it used to be, especially if it's stressing you out so much. Trying to maintain relationships the way they were when they're so strained now may be taking more energy out of you than its worth, especially when there are secrets involved.
I've written almost as much as you did. And all I did was raise more questions...
It's hard to imagine, but I'm actually doing less with my former co-workers than before. I'm down to only one a week, when I used to have three or four. Seeing them less often has left a bit of emptiness in my day--or that could just be having less work...
Some are friends; other are like extended family--caring aunts.
I'm sorry! You have to tell me what I'm not supposed to tell people!
Don't worry 'bout it, Mandie. No harm done, really. Think of it as an added layer of interest in our day. I don't mind her knowing the truth; I just hadn't told her.
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