cold work

Day after Christmas.
Work is quiet.
Work is boring.
Work is freaking cold.
I guess the minion in charge of the thermostat has the day off...

i've been poisoned

Turns out what I thought was the return of my acid reflux is food poisoning. The probable culprit as determined by my doctor: Something I ate or drank while in Japan. I like to blame the chicken I ate the day after I came home.

Either way, I've been food poisoned for over a month now.

Started new meds yesterday. Keep your fingers crossed...

a little schadenfreude

A long time ago at a place far, far away, the woman I worked for determined I wasn't a good fit for her team, and she said things that made me think I was horrible at my job, and worse, that I was an all-around failure as a person.

As time passed, I realized that the real issue had nothing to do with my abilities--which are pretty darn good--or with me as a person. I didn't fit her mold. She couldn't control me. I wouldn't be her drone. So she pushed me out. It was as simple as that. Still, the period was a painful one in my life.

Then today I heard a story of this woman trying similar tactics on a good friend of mine. I was surprised. Why try to push out someone who is so talented?

Then the little bit of schadenfreude kicked in. I feel bad my friend went through this, but it gave me a twinge of happiness, too. While I don't doubt that others believed me that the situation was bad, I doubt that they fully believed me that what was said to me was really as bad as I reported. So having another person report being dragged through a similar experience provides me with a bit of vindication.

A job is a job. A life is a life. I may not love my job, but can I still love my life?

healthcare companies hurt us and themselves

I just don't get it. I see where being corner-cutting assholes keeps the money on the side of the insurance companies. But sometimes that Scrooge behavior costs them too.

Deny coverage and some, like me, will foot the bill for that service or prescription. Some, though won't pay, and then come knocking at insurance's door when the problem worsens or beget new issues.

Our healthcare must make the shift to recognizing the health and cost savings of preventive care. I just wish insurance companies would do more than just pay lip service to this idea. If they did, they might find themselves saving money in the end, with fewer costly surgeries.

day two is good up

Pink hat
Originally uploaded by theCallowQueen.

On day two of our Japan Adventure, we hit the fish market and hit some museums with some nice walks through parks. Oh, and I saw my first Native American band playing in Japan (it would not be my last during our trip).

I'm in the system

So I had KU send the art institute my transcripts when I enrolled there.

My account number on the bill was my old student ID number.

I wanted to pay my bill online, so I had to get an online ID. They offered up springs, my old email address. And then asked me for my current email address, and said anything sent to my old KU address would now be forwarded on to that email.

My old KU email address couldn't possibly still work, could it? I thought I had to give money to the school and get an alumni email address.

The test: I went into Facebook and clicked to sign up for the Kansas network. I put in my old KU email addy and then went to my current address to see if the request would be forwarded.

It worked!

This is trivial, I know. I have no need for the additional email address. But my workday was pretty bland.

But maybe I should be creeped out by the fact that KU has kept all this information on me...

Trip pictures up on Flickr

Golden fish
Originally uploaded by theCallowQueen.

Day 1 of my trip to Japan is up on Flickr. Enjoy!

i have returned

The trip was good. Spending the trip with countingpigs was good. Getting to see 42destune was good.

Being home is good. Being back to work is tolerable.

I took about a thousand pictures. I'll let you know when I've posted them on Flickr.

In not good news, the G-man's car was stolen out of our parking lot night before last. It was parked in the slot right beneath my bedroom window. Troubling.

i have arrived

I feel a little overwhlemed. Things are more foreign here to me than anywhere else I've ever been.

I felt accomplished leaving the airport and changing traings, but then I got lost on foot. The addresses are done much differently here. And figuring out exactly where one is at is a complicated task when street sings are lacking. A very nice woman on her way home from work helped me along my way. And now I'm here, I'm safe, and I'm very tired.

I hope countingpigs arrives soon; then I can go to bed.

in a fog

It was hazy out this morning on my drive to work. I was running late leaving for work. Please, campus security, say you found my laptop. I left my computer in the classroom last night. I couldn't think clearly all evening. I was grateful we were covering a topic I already knew about. I was tired after I got home from work. I got caught in the rain on my bike. I was worried that it might rain.

i want to ride my bicycle

I rode my bicycle to work this morning. Now I just hope the rain stays away.

working question

A question to all of you who know me: Do you think I've become a workaholic?

everybody's doing it

We all get the feeling that everyone seems to be doing something that we're not, and then we get that feeling that we should be doing it too. Then "should" becomes a "want." Perhaps it is a valid want, but perhaps it's just herd think.

Everybody's getting married these days. Everybody's having babies. Everybody's buying houses. Maybe I should be too. And then: I want that too.

There's another side to this. The status of engaged, just married, pregnant, new parent, homeowner, or whatever wasn't even on your radar before you yourself reached the point of wanting it for yourself.

There are always going to be pregnant women walking around. This isn't new. They didn't just start popping out of the woodwork. You just didn't notice them before because you weren't thinking about babies and children as a part of your own life.

And it's not a coincidence that if you're thinking for proposing to your girl that you've been hearing more commercials about rings and jewelry stores. The ads were always there; you're just listening with new ears.

Do I have a point? Not really. I get the feeling the same as everyone else. But I hope I can buck the heard mentality--and listen and be true to myself.

big love

For the Big Love watchers our there, I came across an interesting interview on EW.com's PopWatch Blog with the reporter on the poly-love beat for the Salt Lake Tribune, which has a blog dedicated to polygamy.

blubber

Taking a moment's break from my editing this morning, I glanced at my belly. I just thought I'd let you all know that my belly fat doesn't pooch equaly. It' gathers more to the left of center. Then there's a bit to the right of center, but it doesn't match the left. I hate it when things aren't equal and matching.

name calling

A PR guy just called me accidentally. He was trying to reach a coworker. I said I'd transfer him.

Then, out of nowhere, with the natural course of the conversation already over, he breaks out a joke about my name. Ha. Ha. Ugh.

I try to continue with polietly transfering him, and he makes a second joke, or tries at least.

After my coworker gets off the phone with the PR guy, he tells me that the guy went on to comment on my name to him and make more jokes.

"Say, hi, to Summer for me!" And this is part of he bid as a professional in the workplace for us to review the new product press release he'd submitted?

How about you say goodbye to the chances of your new product getting any coverage in my magazine!

going back in 3, 2, 1...

OK, so the countdown clock is really sitting at 5 hours and 30 minutes. But the butterflies have already begun congregating in my belly.

I'm going back to school. And I'm excited like the little geek-nerd that I am.

blind luck

What is luck? How do you prove true talent?

I was in a swimming competition last month. My first competition ever.

First up: freestyle. I got up on to the platform. It slants down, so one couldn't help but dive into the water.

BANG. At the sound of the gun, my mind goes blank. I lean forward and cannonball into the water. Yes, cannonball. My goggles pop off my head, and I swim the race blind weaving back and forth.

Goggles lost. How about the match? I found my name near the bottom of the list for my age group. A loss? Not quite. I actually got third in my division. Yay! Points for my team! Blind luck? Maybe. But definitely a good douse of funny embarrassment mixed in.

Day two: Backstroke. First off, I had new goggles, but my swim cap split in two. I did a great back dive into the water (especially considering I'd never done it before). I swam well for me. I hadn't learned how to do the turn in the water, so that slowed me down a bit. But I was satisfied. I'd accomplished what I'd wanted.

Now, for the results: Near the bottom of the list for my age group. Same as the night before, there were only three girls in my division competing, so again, I got third--but much closer to second than the night before.

And the end, not luck, for good or bad. It was just me, a few months of spotty practice in the pool and my nerves--doing what I never had the nerve to do in high school.

some days

Some days I just don't like people.

Their mere existence is annoying, bothersome.

I, of course, exclude you from this loathing. I very much like your existence--most of the time, at least.

travelin' sans car

OK, this one is quick.

I've had my bicycle for a month now, so it was time to take it back to the cycle shop for them to check the tire pressure and alignment and all. So, one day after work, I thought I'd challenge myself to riding to the shop from my apartment. It'd be a little over 2.5 miles in a straight shot. but as that would involve major roads during rush hour, I negotiated around the side streets, so I probably added on an extra mile.

I arrive at the bike shop, proud and sweaty. The guy takes my bike and writes on a slip. "OK, we'll have it ready for you by 4pm tomorrow." Tomorrow? The book in my bag that I was to read while waiting suddenly became an inconvenient brick. I looked out at the long road ahead of me. My roomie was out for the evening. Kcprogrammer was still at work across town. Thankfully yellowdancer was home and took out time to come pick my tired butt up.

take a break

I waste a lot of time. But I spend little time really allowing myself to relax. I recently heard a professor say we are living with constant partial attention. We are always checking in on everything but never fully present and focused on one thing (or person).

With all the distractions and noise, it becomes uncomfortable to be silent. To be silent inside. I want to be distracted. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. What if I find out that I really have no thoughts of my own?

Taking vacations, taking breaks, taking time for yourself and loved ones is something that kcprogrammer and I've been talking a lot about lately. It was one of those subjects that once it's brought up, events all around you seems to relate back to it.

So everything around me and kcprogrammer is telling us to remember to take out time, and we agree. But agreeing and doing are not the same. It's a lot of work to take a break.

if you knew i was coming, would you bake a cake?

At my cousin's wedding last weekend, practically every person I spoke with asked about Kcprogrammer, how long we'd been together, and whether we were talking about marriage. And I'm an open person. You know I'll talk about almost anything. But I really got tired of it. People assume that since we've been dating for a year and a half that we must be on the verge of marriage. And we may be. But what I realized in my annoyance with this same question being asked over and over--to which I never seemed to be able to offer a response that satisfied--was that they were asking the wrong question.

Just because you may madly love your boyfriend of a year--or three years for that matter--doesn't mean that you can spend the next 50 years with him and still be happy. Love is the icing. It's nice in little tastes by itself, but it's only truly good when it is the complement to something much more substantial--say a delectable, moist cake. But that won't happen if you don't have the right ingredients. And this is one recipe that I don't want to mess up.

I think too many people get a taste of the icing and assume that the cake that's beneath it is equally yummy. We rush in foolhardily--even when we think ourselves rational--and we pay the price. All of these wedding shows on TV--what if they followed up and showed the couples going through their divorces or living in loveless, commitmentless marriages just a few years down the road?

A poor dessert leaves one less satisfied than if no dessert had been had at all. This may all sound like Kcprogrammer is going to be fighting an uphill battle. But if at the top of the hill, one receives the best cake ever tasted, the climb will have been more than worth it.

27 and tired

Last year on my 26th birthday, I felt no difference from it and my 25th. This birthday--my 27th--has a distinctly different feel. I'm undeniably close to 30. And while my boyfriend and several of my friends have hit that age mark, it still looms before me. I feel old.

I know many of you must chuckle at this. But those of you who are chuckling are probably older than me. So then, think back to when you first met me or the age you remember me best. Remember how you old were at the time? Now fast forward to today. Feel your age now?

I have nothing against adulthood. And I'm not saying that I'm clinging to my childhood. It's merely a recognition of knowing who I was, who I am, and who I am on the path to becoming. Life is about continuous change, and I like patterns and predictability--and early bedtimes. If I'm going to bed at 10pm now--even on the weekends--does that indicate that I'll be in bed by 9pm when I'm 37 or 8pm when I'm 47?

The second of my cousins is getting married this weekend in Georgia. I'm going and so are all but one of my other cousins. The cousin who is already married will be bringing his 5-month-old daughter. It will be the first time I see her. It makes me feel old. But then I'll probably get a dose of young-unmarried-person reality when I'm put in a hotel room with my mom, grandma and only female (single) cousin.

And on another birthday topic: Kcprogrammer sent the most gorgeous bouquet of roses to me at work today. I was simply floored and lost all ability to concentrate on my work for the rest of the afternoon. Amazingly thoughtful gift or no, I love that guy. (It's just that with the addition of the amazingly thoughtful gift he gets big-time points, which are useful to get a girlfriend to postpone any nagging or pestering for at least a day or two.)

And on a non-birthday note: Countingpigs, I love you, and I'm thinking of you. The invader will be gone by the time you wake.

no tv tuesdays

My roomie and I have decided to forgo TV watching on Tuesday nights. I'll also be putting my little laptop away for the day. I was pushing for no TV Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I think my roomie isn't quite ready for such a drastic step.

The idea is to remind ourselves of what the world is like unconnected. Tonight, for example, had both of us on the couch, TV on, and both our laptops out and in use. Seriously, we've been sucked in. So, perhaps tomorrow and the Tuesdays that follow will allow us to take a breather from our electronic connections and allow us the opportunity to strengthen our friendship connection. A little corny, but I'm not feeling very creative tonight.

sadness and rain

In movies and books, when someone is deeply sad or mourning the passing of a loved one, rain is a close companion. Happy days come with warm, shining suns.

I'm a May baby, so it frequently rains on my birthday. And I don't know that I've ever been to a funeral at which I needed an umbrella. Until today.

I got an email this morning that a coworker's husband had passed away. I don't work with this woman directly, but she has a special place in my heart. She worked at my old job when I was an intern. And every time I talk to her she makes me smile and laugh and feel a little more at ease with the fact that the world is a messed up place.

I only met her husband a handful of times. They rode motorcycles across the country. He was the type who would be the first to offer to help you move or repair you fence.

Two weeks ago when I was busy getting ready to go to my conference, he was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't know. After my week in Vegas, I realized I hadn't seen her for a while. But we work on different floors, and our work doesn't overlap. Maybe she was on vacation. I didn't know.

He was 63. They had been married for 42 years. They had two weeks to say goodbye. Two weeks. My heart aches with sadness.

time change

In Vegas, my body was on Kansas City time. Now, back in KC, I'm on Vegas time. Sigh. Sleep, when will you become my friend?

On another time note, I'm ahead at work. I know now why I'm such a procrastinator. Being prepared and ahead of things is simply boring.

One of my co-workers has the chance to go to a conference in Korea (South Korea, of course). While I'm jealous as all heck, it would be a great opportunity for her to see a different part of the world. She hasn't been out of the US since she was a kid. The world is an amazing place. I've been lucky to have trekked through a bit of it here and there. I can play nice and be happy for her opportunity. But I'm totally calling dibs on the next work trip out of the US...

las vegas, again

Another year; another big conference in Sin City. The days are filled with press conferences and booth visits. The nights require cocktail parties and receptions. And for some crazy reason I decided to give myself the extra chore of creating a blog for the show.

I dreaded going to Las Vegas. I trudged through though. My silver lining: vacation. Kcprogrammer had never been to Vegas, so he came out on my last day of the conference and we stayed the weekend. I didn't think I'd ever like being in Las Vegas again. I was wrong. We had an absolutely amazing time.

We took a helicopter ride over the Hoover Dam and down into the Grand Canyon. It wasn't a cheap excursion, but the experience was priceless.

Cirque was great as usual. And we went to see the Anthony Cools Experiment at Paris Las Vegas. It's not a big show, but one that should be on your must-see list. He hypnotizes volunteers from the audience creating one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. The only caveat here is that the humor is crude. Kcprogrammer bought the video of the show we saw, so you can check that out sometime if you're curious...

weight lifting

I've been busy these past few months. Busy putting out the two biggest issues of the year for the magazine. Busy working on my largest freelance project to date. Busy dealing with migraines. Busy busy busy. And then, all at once, I wasn't. The weights lifted. And I didn't quite know what to do with myself.

And I also started weightlifting. The Kansas City Corporate Challenge is coming up in May, and I get to be the mandatory, token female on my work's three-person weightlifting team. My goal is modest. I'd like to be able to lift 100 pounds. Right now, I can lift 85 pounds. I wasn't put on the team because of my amazing strength, mind you. I was put on the team because I said I'd do it if no other females signed up. But still, I'd be proud of myself if I could reach 100.

When I was at the mall today, I couldn't help but try on a few swimsuits. They had those Miraclesuits that promise to make you look 10 pounds lighter. And they do, to a degree. The problem is that if the top of you looks smaller, then your thighs look absolutely mammoth beneath to your 10-pound lighter torso. Seriously, I looked down at my thighs and thought that it must be a trick mirror. Those must have been the thighs of the woman on the other side of the stall in the changing room. And again the repeat offenders showed up: my too-big boobs and my nonexistent butt. I really hate shopping sometimes.

But the weight of time presses on me. I only have a few more days before I leave for Vegas. I need to somehow cobble together professional outfits that are still comfortable. My booth visits in the four massive exhibit halls is the most physically demanding part of my job. And this is when they expect me to wear dress shoes? Last year, I lost feeling in the tip of my big toe for two months after the conference. A good, new pair of black shoes is at the top of my shopping list.

the dream life

I am not awake; I just can't sleep.

warts and all

I have thoughts rolling around in my head. But they are too close to me to reveal in this forum. Perhaps with a little time and distance, or perhaps when I get really worked up on the subject, but not right now.

A thought held back, holds so much more power than those released. It consumes. It fills the cracks and crannies of the mind allowing little else in. Partial thoughts squeeze through here and there. But they can't take root. They can't develop or produce fruit.

And that is where I feel like I am. I sit here, feeling as if I have volumes to share. And all I have is the boring details of life. The migraines of late have been bad, real bad. The massage therapist said my muscles felt more akin to bone than supple, healthy muscle. She said I needed to sleep more, get my eyes checked out, watch my posture when lifting weights, and mostly to stop using the computer so much.

I got a new pill from the doctor. We'll see if this one will help with the migraines--and the nausea that's been accompanying them. He also cut a hole in the bottom of my foot. A shallow plantar wart is now a gaping red crater of hurt. It'd be really cool and worth taking a picture of if looking at it didn't make me so light headed.

I got my teeth cleaned today. I confessed that I was not as good at flossing as I should be. The tech actually said that she couldn't believe that because my teeth had very little tartar. She really shouldn't be encouraging my floss avoidance. One thing I am, though, is a dedicated brusher. So, of course, I have little tartar, but I do have a cavity.

I was one of those kids who was glad to lose her baby teeth because they were all silver. I think I had a filling in every molar. I brush and brush, but every year or so, a new one emerges or an old one comes out of hibernation.

And one of my inlays is chipped. (For those of you not in the know and inlay or an onlay is the stopgap between a filling and a crown.) The plus is that I'm only four teeth cleanings away from a free Sonicare toothbrush. There's something to look forward to in two years...

LOST starts back up again tomorrow. People will probably come over. My roomie wants to make taco salad. We sat and looked around our apartment. Christmas boxes still sit on the dining room table. the coffee table is littered with dirty cups, plates, bowls and spoons. Packing material from a lamp that I had to exchange still lays on the floor. The new lamp sits unpacked in a tall white box that my roomie's put her purse on. I don't even want to think about the kitchen...

That said, I hope people come by tomorrow night. I haven't sent out an invite. Still, I hope they come.

I can feel the nothing, the hole, the space where there used to be a chunk of me--and, of course, a wart.

it's a start

Angkor Wat, Reflection
Originally uploaded by theCallowQueen.

OK, so my trip to Singapore and Cambodia was last November. I've finally started to put some of them online. Check them out here.

It is taking me awhile to label all of these with the correct information. But I promise there will be more to come!

a nice note

Many people would call me a good friend. Few of them would call me nice. If I'm not nice, am I therefore mean? That thought used to bother me.

I got a few nice notes from people in the past few days. Note to readers: Nice isn't always nice. Often it is deceitful, cowardly and fake.

one person's white trash...

...is another person's treasured life.

I was reminded this weekend of how horribly judgmental I am. My only comfort in this is that most of you share this fault with me.

One of these days perhaps we can allow others to live their own lives. The only tricky part is if we allow them to own their lives, then we might be expected to own ours. I don't know if I'm ready for that burden.

I leave all of you to your chosen fates.

terrible speller

I have a confession: I'm not a good speller. Now, I'm pretty darn good at all that other editing stuff. But my weak spelling may just be my downfall. The test comes tomorrow. We shall see.